A fun end to a great day!

Well, I have been at my new job at the law firm for a whole month now and I have found my groove! I don't have to ask as many questions anymore, lol. But yes, I do feel so comfortable at my job which is a huge relief. I don't feel like my every move is wrong but that I in fact DO know what I am doing! Huge relief! I really do love my job! As a young teenager I knew that I wanted to be in an office job when I was older, but it never seemed to happen because people need to have all kinds of certificates, courses taken, etc. This one didn't. The most important thing was that I could type and type well! And I can! :) Its this inner 'hahahaha' and happy dance that I was actually able to land the job I dreamed of as a young teen! That doesn't happen a lot. Yay ME!!!!!!!

On a new note, Janessa is in a DOUBLE bed!!! My big/little girl is getting even bigger!!! In a few short months, she will be 5! I cannot believe it!! She is sleeping sooo much better after the transfer from a toddler bed into a double bed! Its also fun to let her help redecorate her room! It gives her a huge sense of pride too because she loves doing things herself.

We had a really great night last night. Mr C came over and we all watched a movie together before Janessa had to go to bed. She has decided that she 'needs' a piggy back ride up the stairs before she can climb into bed. Last night she asked Mr C to give her the ride!! It was so cute!!! So off they went upstairs and I followed behind and I didn't go in her room. I peeked around the corner just to watch them together for a few minutes. She likes to stand on her bed do a 'runjumphug'. Basically she'll stand on one side of her bed, run to the edge and jump into your arms. Last night she insisted that Mr C catch her! :) After she would jump into his arms, she would squeeze him real tight and do it all over again. My heart was smiling!! I love that these two are so connected! To top it all off, she refused Mommy's story reading and asked that Mr C read to her instead! Again, my heart melted!

There comes a time in life where you go through a rocky, dirty, rough patch to be brought to something that brings you true joy and teaches you to be content with your life no matter what happens, and to embrace the 'new'. I'm totally loving MY 'new'! :)

A long awaited update?....

Well, well, well.... Life has finally settled down a bit and I have been able to establish a sense of normality for Janessa and I, so I thought I should update my friends who I don't get to chat with much, and they look for me here. :)

Okay, we moved into a 3 bedroom house in Kipling on May 18th. Janessa was able to finish out playschool and PreK there and I had time to look for a better place for us to live. I desperately wanted to get us out of Kipling and all the eyes, spies and rumors that were there.

We were fortunate enough to get into a two bedroom, three level townhouse in Estevan and moved in there June 17th and its been soooooo much better!!! We love our new place and we've been having fun redecorating it together and making it really our own. I am soooo much happier living here. Janessa is happier as she sees her Mom happier!! Our relationship has gotten much better since we moved out to Estevan and that feels soooo good!! The one day we actually were giggling so hard we both had to change clothes.. lol..

Janessa is doing so good with her new babysitter!! I'm so fortunate to have such a great friend who is helping me out and takes such great care of my little girl for me! Janessa thinks its pretty neat though that the babysitters daughter has the same name as her cousin, haha. Silly girl.

I've been adjusting well. I have been job hunting like crazy and some weeks I had nearly 10 interviews. I got offered a part time job on the spot at Sobey's but it was not what I wanted, and the whole thing just sucked, and it was not enough money to be able to provide for Janessa and I. Like really, 2 days a week? I don't think so. So anyway I kept applying at places and having interviews, and then I landed the job that I really, really, REALLY wanted!! I am now employed full time at a law firm as a receptionist/secretary/assistant! I have one week down and so far so good. A LOT to remember and all that jazz, but its good!! The people I work with are so easy going and great people to be around with in general, so that definitely makes it easier. And things on the **** front are very well and I am very happy! :)

So yeah, that's the update in a nutshell. It just feels so good to feel so good! :) lol

A new way of life.....

Well, its been awhile since I have posted anything here. It has been a very long, emotional, exhausting, dabilitating, refreshing, restful few weeks; if that's even possible to have that many emotions all in the same thought. I'll have to point form it so that it all comes out, lol.

-I quit taking the Prozac because it messed with me in a bad way. In exchange, I was put on Effexor and that has been a HUGE benefit for me! My doctor told me that if I start getting hot flashes, it would be my indicator that it is working. Well, by day 3, I was hot flashing something fierce!! Some days its almost too much! BUT, I just sluff it off because its a small price to pay to have my life back! I've been feeling SO good and way more like myself since I got put on this new medication! Yahoo!!

-I've been able to fondly think of Casey now, instead of hysterically and sadly thinking about him. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have been able to work out and process them a bit, and I feel so much better. That doesn't mean that I am done working on effectively managing my grief and my sadness, but it means that I am able to try more now that I am getting better. I still think of him and miss him a lot, but I love him so much more and am able to not think negatively every time he comes to mind. I feel like I can effectively talk about him with Janessa and that she would understand.

-My counselling has been going very well. My mind has become so clear even though there is still stuff bogged up inside of there. I've been able to think through things in the moment and have been able to handle things better than I would have otherwise. It's almost surreal! I feel so much better than I did a few months ago!! You know when you have done something and you've done it well and you sit back and smile and a contented sigh comes out? That's me! :) It's actually hard to put into words how different I am from what/who I was just 3 months ago. It's bizarre, but a good bizarre. I haven't felt that constant panic in awhile and I love that it is gone!

-This brings me to my home life. It is in a pretty big upheaval at the moment, yet I'm oddly calm about it. Basically, things in my marriage came to a boiling point and it boiled over. It is over. This may sound harsh/curt, but in all honesty, I'm not that upset about it. Sparing details that don't need to be shared, I feel a deep sense of relief that it has finally boiled over. I know that probably sounds really bad, but its the truth. I haven't felt this good about that in a very long time. I feel SO relaxed. There is only one thing weighing on me in this aspect, and that is my precious little girl. Janessa is a smart little girl, and she knows what is going on. Due to what was happening, the end needed to come if not for anyone else than her. She means far more to me than anything and she is and always will be my sole concern. A custody arrangement has been reached, and took effect yesterday. I tell you yesterday was a very, very, very, very, very, very hard day for me. I was literally sick. I have not seen my little girl since Friday afternoon, and won't until Thursday morning. As much as I try and tell myself that she is okay, it is still VERY, VERY hard. But when I see her again, it will be so awesome!!!

-Lastly, I am still trying to secure a place to live. I was supposed to hear word of a place on Friday, but that has now been postponed until Tuesday! Staying in a hotel sucks!! Especially when you're by yourself. I can only crash with family for so long before everyone needs a break. But for now, here is where I sit.

My new normal: single Mom to the most beautiful 4 year old I know and being the best Mother to her that I can be!

I love you Janessa!

A heavy heart for such a little girl...

So, after some support and persuasion from a friend, I sat down with my little girl for a chit chat. We were snuggled up on my bed and we were looking into each other's eyes. I said, "You know that Mommy loves you very much, right?" and she said yes and gave me a big kiss. Then I said, "When Mommy and Daddy fight it's not your fault. It's Mommy & Daddy's fault." She looked at me with very big, sad eyes and said, "It's not MY fault?" and I said, "No sweetheart, its not your fault, and Mommy is sorry." *tear*

about a boy...

I'm feeling rather sad tonight.... just found out that my cousin had her baby. Our due dates were the same, both approaching next week. I thought I was doing okay with that day coming up and all, but that changed when I found out she had her baby. And a boy. I'm trying really really hard to clear my mind. I don't want to have yet another crying filled night. Its hard not to just feel... sad....

A wild ride... to say the least..

Well, I have not blogged anything for quite awhile now. Truthfully, I haven't much felt like it. It felt like too much work. It's been a wild, crazy, emotional, WHACKED OUT past couple of weeks. The Prozac, which I thought to be helping, might not have been as helpful as I thought. I was going progressively further down and one day forgot (honestly) to take my meds (of any kind). That was one of the best days I've had in awhile! After talking with a friend on the situation, I am seeing how I am doing not being on the Prozac. So far so good, mood wise I mean. *knock on wood* But I am seeing my doc this coming week and we will see how that goes and what the next course will be.

The other things are not going nearly as 'good'. Things in the **** department are going very very well. Loving that! But things on the **** front are crumbling at a rather rapid pace. Lots of things on my mind, lots to think about and contemplate the moves, things to analyze and be rational about.... in any case, the current situation just WILL NOT do. It seems there is only one way to fix it right now... but we'll see. No wiggle room is left. No amount of finessing will work. It is what it is. As much as it will suck, it WILL get better. When? I have no idea... I'm just choosing to believe that somehow, someway it will get better... Wow... is this me actually being optimistic!? Shock...

Grrrrrr....

So... Prozac. It's something that agrees with me. It's something that works for me. I wrestle a bit with wondering if its just masking what I'm feeling? In no way does taking the Prozac mean I'm instantly better, but I do feel better some days. Right now, not so much. I'm having a rough morning. Partly because I'm REALLY tired. REALLY, REALLY tired. It doesn't help that Owen comes home and plays 20 questions. Seriously, badgering me with what's wrong, etc., does not help in any way, shape or form.

Part of my frustration today is with a friend. We talk all the time, about a lot of things, and haven't heard from them in nearly two weeks! Won't respond to texts either! Seriously, if you don't want to talk to me, have the decency to tell me. It makes you wonder when you go from talking nearly every day to not at all, ya know?

Another part of my frustration today is all blamed on the weather!!!! With this dump of snow we got, the roads are absolutely ridiculous, which means.... I have to reschedule my fertility specialist appointment that was to be tomorrow afternoon in Saskatoon! * sigh * I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this, and now that it's within arms reach, I can't do it. Grrrrrr....

I think I just need a vacation from my life, lol. Make sense? There's just everything all at once, and I need some downtime where people don't need me, I don't need to do anything, I don't need to be anywhere, and I can just sit on my duff and do some intense vegging, and watch my fave movies over and over again, sleep and sleep some more, and just relax!

Looking for a 'rainbow'...

So... about our trip. We did okay with being away from Janessa. Owen was having a harder time with it then I was, partially because she didn't want to talk to him when we had her on the phone, or she was already sleeping when we were talking to whoever was looking after her. By the 4th night, she was asking to go home so I just told my Mom to keep her busy so she wouldn't think about it. It worked!

Overall, I give our trip a 7 out of 10. I must admit that I was rather annoyed with Owen. When we were arriving in Canmore, we were supposed to meet up with someone to get some information about some things that we were going to be doing. Well that 'get info and go' took well over an hour and they started 'shooting the breeze' about business. Okay, seriously!? We had just gotten out of a 7 hour car ride and they were sitting there talking about cars!? All I wanted to do was get to our hotel and crawl into my comfy clothes and relax and try not to think about anything. Once back in the car I told Owen that I was not overly impressed that he was doing business on our trip. He wasn't happy with me for saying that.

For most of this trip, I was in a funk. My doctor had prescribed the pills for me and after researching the generic name, discovered that I am on Prozac. Well, I have no idea how long it takes for things like this to kick in, but I was hoping it was quick. Not quick enough. I was not a nice person for over half our trip. Anything that could annoy me in the tiniest way, did. We had arrived there Friday afternoon, and I was rather miserable for most of it until Sunday morning. I felt like I had an exposed nerve and everything was grating on it.

Anyway, so Friday night I was so tired and did NOT feel like going out even though it was our Anniversary that day. So, we ordered in pizza and wings, watched tv and then I tried to relax my overly tense self in the jacuzzi. Before long I was sleeping. Not too eventful. Saturday morning, I was feeling sooo tired. Then I spent the next few hours being a bit more annoyed with my husband. He had a BUSINESS lunch meeting. * sigh * After lunch, we decided to head into Banff, since it's like a 10 minute drive away. I wanted to go, but didn't at the same time. So we get to Banff and yes, its a beautiful place, but its SO overcrowded with touristy people and the like. Personally, I like Canmore better. Anyway, we couldn't do the hotsprings for fertility reasons, but we had researched the gondola rides and decided to do that. WELL. I had a meltdown in the gondola on the way up! Kind of embarrassing. I just felt like we were going to fall and every bump was freaking me out. I was nearly hyperventilating. So we get to the top and I calm down; Owen wanted to do some shopping at the top, I wasn't interested. I was feeling tired and emotionally exhausted and just wanted to go back down. So we went back down and I was fine on the way down. We then went to check out the sleigh rides, but the people running it weren't doing a very good job and wouldn't even talk to us, and we had no clue when the run times or the cost were, so we left. Decided to just head back to Canmore instead, then we went out for supper. It would have been a much more enjoyable meal if the table next to us would have quit giving us glares for 'only having 2 people in a booth'. Well, good gracious, get over it! Sunday morning, I was feeling quite a bit better, but still very tired. But we had to be at our next scheduled thing at 9 am!! We were scheduled to be going on a dog sled tour in the mountains. That was the most fun I'd had on the trip so far. The 2 hour trip felt like half an hour! But it was fun and I really enjoyed it! That night for supper we went to a place that had been recommended to us by a friend. Boy were they right! Excellent food and atmosphere, and service was impeccable!! If you are ever in Canmore, go to Murrieta's. SO worth it!

The next morning, I still did not get to sleep in!! I was booked into hair and makeup for 9 am! That day was the day that we were having our wedding photos redone. I must say, that this part of the trip was my most favorite and where I was most like my old happy self. Our photographer was amazing and we just had the best time, even though it was pretty windy and I was the only one showing skin, lol. I cannot wait to see the pictures that she's done for us.

I guess my disappointment with the trip comes from my own self, and blamed on my own self. We really need to be getting reconnected as a couple, and I was SURE this trip would totally be so awesome and we'd reconnect and be totally in love all over again. I kind of ruined all of that. My attitude was crappy. Maybe I was expecting too much and/or trying to hard?! I HAVE been getting more sleep since we got back. Not sure where its coming from. It could be the meds kicking in and doing their job. I sure hope so. I need to be back to my old self. The self that finds joy in the smallest, most simplest things.

Janessa drew me a picture of a rainbow before we left, and I took it with me. It reminded me that 'somewhere over the rainbow' things will be better and that there is always a rainbow after a storm. I'm looking forward to seeing MY 'rainbow'.

Sooo... well, it's officially 3 am. Here I lay awake, again. No new surprise. So much on my mind as usual. I decided to try and go to bed shortly after 1. No luck. Instead, my living room got mostly tidied, and my kitchen got partially tidied. Sigh. But, I actually had the urge to do some cleaning. That hasn't happened in a llloooonnnggg time. My house definitely does not look its greatest. Not overly proud to admit that. I mean, its not spotless by any means, but it usually has a general tidyness and not too much disarray. That is one thing that I am looking forward to the most when I get closer to being 'better'. A decent house.

For now though, I must attempt to clear the thoughts running rampid in my head, or else I will NEVER get to sleep!!! You see, tomorrow will be a busy, busy day. Tomorrow is a day of cleaning the house, laundry, packing for Janessa, doing dishes, getting all of our wedding attire out and checked to make sure its good to go, getting my Stampin Up orders delivered, packing for us, mail the bills that are going to be getting paid, etc. SO much to do tomorrow as we leave first thing Thursday morning!!! THEN, on Thursday morning, we have to leave a key with Owen's parents, put our water jugs out on the step as its delivery day, put out the garbage, and phone his parents and make sure they bring our newly delivered water jugs into our house so they don't freeze on us; then we have to be in Saskatoon toot sweet as I have a meeting at one.

I am feeling a little uneasy about our trip though. Firstly, it's our 5 year Anniversary on Friday, and this is why we are going on a little trip - just the two of us. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I want to go. We, as a couple, desperately need this trip. We (I) have had some distance lately, and we desperately need to reconnect. We need to find "US" again. But part of me is worried about this trip. I'm worried that I won't have a good time. I'm worried that I'll be too preoccupied with my thoughts to be in the moment. I'm worried that I'll be worrying about Janessa. I'm worried that I will shut down completely. I don't know if I know how to be fun anymore. I don't know if I know how to be ... anything but what I am now...

We have all sorts of fun things planned to do on our trip; helicopter tour of the mountains, carriage ride around Banff, going for walks, just being together, etc. We're even having our wedding photos redone! I am definitely looking forward to that!! I'll be having someone do my hair and makeup for me!

I just.. am cursed to be a constant worrier. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this will be the longest time we have ever been away from Janessa. She goes to Grandparent King's for a sleepover Wednesday night, has school Thursday, then sleepover again, then Grandparent King's take her to Yorkton on Friday to drop her off with Grandparent Goertzen's. Then, we will pick her up either Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning. That's a long time to be away from her, and a long time for her to be away from us. I'm hoping that she will get lost in all the fun she will be having, that she won't realize how many days we will be apart. But I have a feeling by Sunday she will be crying for Mom n Dad.

Please, just pray for me that I will be able to focus and be in the moment for the time we are away. I need to be able to relax and just have fun with my husband.

One of my most favorite men..

I have the best doctor ever! I really do. He is so genuinely caring about his patients, and he is ready and willing to do whatever he has to in order for the patient to be taken care of. I went in to see him today to get my meds. Of course, I cried. Having to 'tuck tail' and admit defeat and ask for help is hard enough to do, when you AREN'T asking to be put on medication. He has been my doctor for like 10 years! He's seen me through a LOT of things!!! That's an under statement really. He has saved my life on more than one occasion. So when I had to ask him about this today, I told him that I feel like I'm getting to where I was 6 years ago when he all but admitted me to the mental health unit. I also said to him that when you've been so bad and then get better, its easy to see when things are getting bad again and when you need to ask for help. Hence my trip today. He also gave me some recommendations on what to do to help me sleep. Boy oh boy will that be nice to actually get some sleep!! There comes a point when you have had enough.. and I'm almost at that point. I NEED to sleep! Anyway, before I left, he looked at me very compassionately and he said, 'Don't worry, we WILL get you better'. Have I mentioned that my doctor is one of my favorite people on this planet!? He cares so much and I appreciate all he does for me and my family. It's hard to find a doctor like this it seems. So when you find your wonderful doc, don't lose 'em!! He also has a super wonderful secretary~she got me in on the spur of the moment today and I'm so thankful that she did!

It has been a very rough week. I've had many more sleepless nights, many more crying sessions, many more times of being hurt, humiliated, and angry all in the same breath. I've had hurtful things said to me; I've been angry at sad person for saying said thing. I've hit one of my lowest points on this 'road' thus far. Unfortunately, I have to rehash it all with my counselor tomorrow. I wish life had a giant record button, so that you didn't have to relive the moments that hurt so much. It's going to be a trying, emotional day tomorrow and I honestly am not sure I will be able to handle it.
As excited as I am about our trip coming up this week, I am also nervous. Will I be able to just be me? Who and where is ME!? Will I be able to forget all my insecurities, worries, hurts, etc for a few days of just me and my husband? Will I be able to forget about @(>~@$)(&%^#* and not think about it while on this trip with Owen. Will I be able to have fun? Will I be able to find that oneness that one has with their spouse? I'm worried that our trip won't go well. I'm worried that 'my new self' will be prevalent and I'll just be going through the motions while on this trip. I want to be in every moment and enjoy each one. We are going to be doing some fun and exciting things; things that we have never done or thought we would do. I want to be able to enjoy that!
I know that we need this trip in the worst way. We are distant and we need to be reconnected. I'm worried that it won't happen. What will happen if we don't, and stay distant as we are, and get worse???
I need to quit saying we.... it's not 'us'... it's ... ME...

**Yawn**

I am soooo exhausted! I have not felt this tired in a very long time. I can barely function. At this point I could probably sleep the entire day away and most of the night. It doesn't help that I was wide awake until nearly 3 am, only to be back at my magical hour of 5. It seems that my body loves 5 am. Every night for the past few months, I have been up at 5 am, and can't get back to sleep for a long time. Not my idea of a good time. Seriously, how can someone possibly function on this little sleep!? I feel like I'm going crazy!!!

Numb

I've been feeling pretty numb lately. I am not sure what's triggering it, but it's getting old. I'm tired of feeling numb all the time. There's too much going on. Too much of it is things that are changing and I have no control over them; just 'have to deal with it'. I'm not good at 'dealing with it' lately. I see my doc soon to get the anti-depressants. Kind of still have mixed feelings about all of that. Things are just ... strange with me. I don't even know ME right now. I've been doing things that aren't me AT ALL... which is ... well, weird. For example, ##*($#R(@)#( #*(#$# *(*#$#$@) #@(@#*$#$, is not me - something I swore I would never do in my entire life. I can't even talk about it... with anyone. That's how bizarre it is. Not even my counsellor knows this yet. But yet, that's the only thing that puts the smile on my face right now. *sigh*

I've got nothin...

Ever have something that absolutely breaks your heart and all you want to do is cry? But can't? 6 days ago, my husband's friend and three of his kids were on their way home from school in a blizzard, and they hit a train. Dean was killed instantly and all three of his kids were in pretty bad shape. The youngest, Maison (11), died yesterday. I am so saddened by all of this and I really just want to cry for them. I can't. I have nothing. Add this to a rather serious conversation I had with a friend last night, and I just want to cry. Have you ever seen the movie, "The Holiday"? The one gal in it can't cry. Her parents died when she was younger and she hasn't cried since then. She meets this man, who is a very emotional one, they fall in love and when it was time for her to leave, he cried ... a lot. She got in the car and left. Fifteen minutes later down the road, she started to cry and etc etc. I'm kind of sitting there too. I need to cry. I WANT to cry. Nothin. Come to think of it, I haven't cried in a long time. Weeks!!! This is strange as I am a crier... I cry a lot! Sometimes I call it a curse that my Mom passed on to me. I would rather have a small cry now than an explosive one later... those are never pretty..

Unreachable

Why is it that when you want something so badly, you can't have it?! That hardly seems fair, don't ya think? So how does one stop wanting that said something? Especially when what you want consumes your dreams, your thoughts, and hinders what you will be doing in that moment, or that day, or that week. How do you stop wanting this thing that you want sooo desperately??? Especially when this thing you want is detrimental to you, your health, your life, all those around you. It involves taking risks that you normally wouldn't take. Doing things you normally wouldn't do. Saying things you don't say. Doing things that are completely out of your nature, or right mind, for that matter. Feeling things that you shouldn't feel but can't help yourself. Why are the most unattainable things always the most unreachable, the most unlogical, the most inconceivable, hurtful if shared with others, the most enticing, the most exhilarating, the best thing in your life at that exact moment, and the only thing that makes you smile and feel happy? * sigh * Why can't I have this 'something'? Why can't this one time, I have my cake and eat it too? What to do. What to do. What to do?

A good mail day..

I FINALLY got my letter in the mail yesterday for the new fertility specialist that I will be seeing! I'm so excited, relieved, happy, emotional, etc. It's an all around great feeling, that's for sure. The wait list is 9 months, but I was told by this particular doctor that once I get my letter, I should call in and get on the short notice list. My sister-in-law is going to the same doctor, and I told her about the short notice list. She called and got on it. She was IN in less than two weeks! So, I'm hoping to be getting in that quickly too, but am not holding out hope on that. I will just call on Monday and get my name on that list! I must admit I did a little happy dance when I got the letter! :) Based on the experience and results that my SIL had with her, I know that we will actually be getting somewhere, and things figured out, and problems addressed, etc. Just knowing THAT, I am relieved.

Already...

So it would appear I have plateaued... already. I've only been at it for roughly 5-6 weeks and it seems that my loss is nearing the slower end. I know everybody says to keep working at it even though the plateau is there, but it's very, very discouraging. My total weight loss thus far is 20 lbs. Yes, I am excited and happy that I have shed those 20 lbs, but I still have 45 left to lose before I am at my goal. That's a really big number! I don't know. I'm trying really hard not to be disappointed in that. We'll just see what that scale says next week.

BE-friend or DE-friend?...

So this gal pal of mine.... I just don't know what to do anymore. I have mentioned her a few times here in relation to pregnancy. But today drew a whole new line. She has done this to me once, and again today, and I really just want to never speak to her again. Since I lost our son, things have been a bit different around here. Not always a good difference either. As it does with some couples, there has been distance with Owen & I since then. So instead of being supportive of me and what I'm doing, and the one thing I found that has put a smile on my face lately, she tells me that she thinks Owen & I should separate. She has said this to me once before about a year ago when we were struggling really badly financially and she said I could vent to her and I did. After she told me that she thought we 'needed a break' I told her in no uncertain terms to never say that to me again. Now here she is.... saying it again. It's hard to fully trust a friend with things when they tell you something like this. She knows my past. We have been friends since my past was my present. I just don't know anymore. She has become a toxic friend. She only talks to me when she needs me for something, but yet when I look to hang with her or whatever, she never has time and when she does, the above happens. *sigh* I need friends who are true to me, and don't give me this terrible advice. As I left, I told her she was full of shit. She said, 'no, I'm full of baby'. Thanks. Thanks so much for that. Like I need to hear about your one-night-stand pregnancy... again. I think in this case, I need to DE-friend....

To medicate... or not ?...

So I saw my new counselor today. She is very good. Very easy to talk to. Asks questions to get things out of you. I like it! I don't like having someone who just sits there and you talk to them. I like someone who can ask the questions to try and help me figure out things.
This new counselor, Kyla, is also a psychiatric nurse. So she's seen a lot, dealt with a lot, etc. Kyla thinks that it would be a good idea for me to go on meds. I'm a bit in denial. I know I'm bad, but I didn't think 'that' bad. She is thinking that it would be a good idea, but she is the type that wants to do counseling first, and meds later. In the same breath though, she said the meds would help me to sleep. THAT would be nice! I don't know. I just .. came out of the appt just like any other time. Good for a few minutes then in a slump for a few hours. This is a lot to process this time. It's bad folks. Real bad this time. Lots to think about...

Digression...

So after that chat/cry session I had with Elsie nearly two weeks ago, I've been pretty good. Not super awesome but not super horrible like I had been. Until last night. I was working in my office doing some paperwork and payroll for playschool, and my computer was not co-operating. I do the payroll calculations online, and it wouldn't let me save the files, nor print them. It was seriously pissing me off. Add that to a husband being less than thrilled that I asked him to make dinner, and a child that suddenly *refused* to go to PreK and to Grandma's, my suddenly severely uncomfy office chair, etc, etc. It was just a rough afternoon into evening yesterday... and then my computer had the audacity to piss me off. I had to revert to the desktop instead and that computer had no problems whatsoever in getting said documents saved and printed, but it was the fairly unimpressed not-wanting-to-be-interrupted husband who was using said desktop, that helped seal my fate for the night. Needless to say, the unhappy inhibitor parts in my brain promptly invaded the rest of the space available up there. I all to quickly was back in my repressed, sad, emotional, crying self. I had been chatting with a friend, and abruptly and rather rudely, left the conversation. I decided to try and go to bed and see if that would help anything as I suddenly felt extremely exhausted. No dice. I laid there for a few minutes and slowly the heaving sobs racked out of my lungs down from the pit of my stomach. I got out of bed and grabbed Casey's sleeper from my drawer, hoping it would help calm me down as it sometimes does. I pressed it against my cheek and snugged it up between my face and my pillow, and the tears flowed. And flowed. My sobs were getting heavier and I felt like I had no breath left. Then the pain returned in full vengeance. The stabbing pain that sits deep in my belly was suddenly very real again and I curled up in a ball, willing the pain to subside. I wrapped my arms around my stomach trying to calm my body but it just didn't happen. Instead what I felt was the non existent burgeoning belly that should be in its place. Then Casey's image popped into my mind. He was laughing and saying 'Hi Momma', and he was running and playing in the mud puddles. Then I cried even harder. I haven't 'seen' him for nearly two weeks, or cried for him, or dreamt of him. And the waves of guilt came.. and came.. and I cried. Several hours of crying later, I finally fell asleep. I don't feel very good today either. I'm reminded of my son a lot today, and what I am missing. I am absurdly reminded that my stomach is not nearing the steering wheel while I'm driving... being in my third trimester.... feeling him kicking and jumping around... This is by far one of the lowest points in this journey... I really hope I can come out of this one.... It's a little hard though when someone asks you what your feeling and your best answer is : I feel like there is someone with 10,000 knives jabbing deep into my belly and twisting and making me feel utterly empty and torn apart to pieces... and they're laughing at you while they're doing it...

Another great workout...

It appears that I just *might* be enjoying this whole workout thing! It helps that I have friends in the same position doing the same thing. But today, was one of the best days so far! I hopped on to the elyptical for 5 minutes before my workout. That workout lasted an hour and a half!! I was so proud of myself! It's getting easier to do them too, and it's not making me feel quite as sore as it did in the beginning - that, in itself, is huge! But I find myself adding extra exercises in just because! It still feels super weird that I'm hearing myself say that I'm enjoying working out. Bizarre!!!

A bump in the road...

So I hit a bump on my weight loss road today. It didn't feel very good. I did my workout as usual, and there was no super extreme exercises, so it wasn't a super hard one or anything. But my legs were SO shaky. It was weird. I barely made it through. No sooner did I finish the cool down, I felt SO weak and like I was going to faint and thrown up. I've never had that with the workouts yet, not even with the very first and very nasty one I did. My legs wouldn't support me so I just laid down on the couch. Shortly after I was asleep. 2 hours later I wake up and walk to the bathroom and barely made it. I climbed into the shower and cranked the hot water and just sat in the tub with the water falling over me. I couldn't even stand in the shower - my legs had nothing. I felt so strange. I don't know if that's good or bad... but I just know that I didn't like it and it sure didn't feel very good. I desperately do not want this to deter me from further workouts. That's what happens every other time. I wish I had some insight. Like for example, when do you time your eating with workouts? That's the biggest question I have right now.

A great loss...

This is literally about a great loss! Since I started with my Biggest Loser Wii game, I've lost 12 lbs!!! Yay me! I'm so excited. I've had a few people ask me if I've lost weight and I would say if 3 lbs count then yes. But now, it's up to 12 lbs lost! I don't feel different, my clothes don't fit different. But I am still going to keep on. I need to get down to a healthier weight and this is helping me do just that! :) If anyone wants to know if this game works.... it works! And I'm just doing the 'light' version! Imagine if I did intense!? I think I'll pass out just thinking about it.. lol. But I'm happy!

Here we go again..

So... remember awhile back I had mentioned a friend who did not sympathize at ALL when I lost Casey, then miscarried herself soon afterwards? Well. She just told me she's pregnant. And angry. Her and her man broke up, then hooked up again for ONE NIGHT. Now she's pregnant. Great. That's awesome. Said friend never talks to me anymore unless something is wrong. So she looks me up tonight. I'm so sick of 'friends' that are there for you only when they need something. Not cool. So ... lol here's what I told her:
you know something... instead of being mad at yourself and being angry your pregnant... be happy.. I would give anything... ANYTHING to be in your situation right now.. sure the situation sucks.. but you are pregnant.. I can only wish.. tomorrow I am being referred to yet another fertility doctor.. yes i am happy for you and kinda wanna slap you all in the same breath lol.. but happy.. so be happy! you are pregnant! that's pretty special..
Oy. Yes deep down I am happy for her. Honest. Yet completely jealous! You know, before she told me she was pregnant she wanted to meet up with me cause she needed a hug and to talk. I am SO glad she did not tell me this in person. My face would have said a whole lot of things. But anyway, just had to get this off my chest lol. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm. Okay. Okay. I am.

A brighter day...

Well, after my last meltdown post, I am doing much better. After I had posted that day, a friend called me at midnight and we talked till nearly 3 am! It was one of those talks that you need to have when you are feeling incredibly sad. It was a call filled with heaving sobs, stuffed nose, and nearly muffled talk from me, but it was a great call indeed. We ended it with a prayer. My heart and my being LOVES Elsie! Elsie is a gift to me. Her and her hubby are struggling a bit right now, but it was laid upon her to be a friend to ME that night. I am so grateful for Elsie!

The next day, I did feel better. I had to be up earlier as we had a funeral that morning and my eyes were oh so puffy, and I had a headache, and I was tired. But we still went. I felt like everyone was staring at me so I asked Owen if my eyes were still puffy and he said no.... so there's still paranoia lol. The rest of this week I have been unmotivated to do much around the house, but that's okay because I have had some good girlie moments with Janessa. Yesterday we sat on the couch and just giggled. It was lovely! At scrap night on Wednesday, I was actually a part of the group; laughing, telling stories, etc. The previous week I did not say much at all and just worked on my projects, so this was a bonus. I think I surprised some people by my verbal-ness.

All in all, its been a humdinger ... yes a humdinger :) of a week! Much better. I know it probably won't last for too long, as it seldom does, but I'm basking in the moment of being *happy*. AND, I haven't cried since Monday! That's a bit of a shock to me. My eyes feel rested. Here's to looking to more humdingers! :)

Tears

So today I spent most of the day trying to get rid of a migraine. It was a very debilitating one and I could not even get out of bed. Around 4 or so, I was finally able to be mobile and do a few small things around the house. I was so looking forward to having my husband home as I was just in that 'want to be held' mood. Just makes one feel better after being sick, ya know? Well. Never happened. In fact, Owen came home from work, made himself and Janessa some supper, and then played a few games with her and then fell asleep on the couch.. by 730. Yes I am annoyed. Yes I am hurt. Yes I am mad. I just needed that snuggle time with my husband and it never came. When asked about it, it just turned into a fight. After calming down some, I said that WE need to work hard at trying to keep my moods good because whenever I get a little angry or something, my brain does not shut off. It just keeps going and bringing up all these things that I need to not be thinking about, and bringing up all my feelings about Casey, and then I just get all upset all over again... then the tears come. And come. And come. And come. Owen went to bed and I went in after a few to talk to him. I said that its not good for a person's health or relationships to go to bed angry. You don't get proper sleep and therefore your body doesn't rejuvenate itself. I also said that since I'm going to bed upset all the time, that must be why I can never get any sleep, and that must be why I'm so pissy all the time cause of the lack of sleep! Long story and much tears shorter, I told him that I am getting severely depressed and I need help. Right now. He didn't say anything. At all. For several minutes. I got up and said your silence speaks volumes right now. And I left. I have been through a troubled marriage before. I am trying so hard to make this one work. I wonder if I am trying too hard? Our marriage is not troubled... just me. I need to be seeing a counselor and I can't get in to one until the end of the month. I think I will try someone else. I can't take this anymore. I feel like I am going to lose it on someone and I do NOT want that someone to be Janessa. I wish I could just turn this off.. so badly. It's to the point where I am starting to be scared of myself. I snap all the time.... I don't like the person I am. At least I can still keep it 'all together' in public or else I'd be screwed. I just hope I can get in to this counselor right away. I just can't wait anymore. I need some release that is not on my family. It's not fair to them.

Our darling little girl...

Well, at this exact moment, 4 years ago, I was filled with anxiety, disappointment, and uncertainty. I had been induced. And. Nothing. Not a single contraction. We had been so excited that morning and were certain we would be meeting our sweet child later on that day. Well, our fiery little girl decided that she would arrive in true time... fashionably late! :) She was already a week overdue, what's one more day? Now when I think back to that time, I am so glad that I can still remember it as if it were yesterday! :) In the above photo, she is 3 weeks. old.
Fast forward a year. Here is our curly-haired, pig tail cutie pie. At 1 year old, she was crawling and pulling herself up to things, showing us her independent side. That she has DEFINITELY expanded on, lol. A few memorable things from then are: learning to crawl, learning to walk, talking, eating big girl foods, getting into all kinds of mischief! Never a dull moment with this goofy kid around! In the above photo, she is 1 year, 1 months old.

Fast forward another year! In this photo, Janessa is 2 years, 3 months old. A lot more firsts in her second year: medical trips, medical questions, moving to a new house, a BIG GIRL bed, a new bedroom, and a huge backyard to play and explore in! Janessa also started showing her love for gardening and she helped Daddy in the garden and flower pots every chance she got!
And here is today!!! This picture was taken a few months ago when she was 3 years, 8 months old. She has grown up soooo much! NOW, she is in playschool, starting PreK, talking very very well - and a LOT, she can spell her name, she knows all her alphabets, numbers, shapes, differences between big and small, tall, etc., and she can read some words too! This year brought a bit of heartbreak for her when Mommy had to cut off all of her hair. Reason being Mommy had to fix the chop job she had done earlier! This has been the biggest growth year of all for her in a lot of ways, including potty training!

I love my little girl to pieces! I still cannot believe she will be 4 tomorrow! Happy Happy 4th Birthday Janessa!! Mommy loves you soooo much!!!

A workout and a half

I am quite proud of myself!! :) I got back on my Wii yesterday, for another Biggest Loser workout. Now, if you remember (I'm not sure if I wrote it here or on facebook), after my first LIGHT 12 minute workout, I thought I was going to pass out! I had noodle legs, and noodle body for like a week and could not muster up ANY gumption AT ALL to go and do it again. BUT. Yesterday was a different day. Janessa was off to Grandma's and I went downtown to do a few errands, a teeny bit of self shopping, picked up a few things for hubby's birthday night in, and then got home and WANTED to do another workout. I WANTED to give it another shot. How hard could it be? Could it be worse than the first time? HECK YES!!! But this time, I thought I would check more into the whole scheme of it instead of just picking a workout and going at it. AND, I was going to do the warmup this time too. It's very important you know. :) So I turned it all on and got all ready to go, and up comes the main screen and it said (in Bob's lovely voice): "Welcome to your first weigh in!" My immediate thought was not a happy one. But I thought, "ha! This will show me. I only worked out ONCE and left it alone so we'll see if anything I did and am doing is working!" So got on the Fit got weighed and was ... DELIGHTED! I am now 3 lbs LESS than I was a week before! :) I know that's a small number, but having watched the show for a few seasons, I know that any number with a - in front of it, is a good one! So I am VERY EXCITED about being 3 LBS LESS! :) So then after the weigh in, I did the following: 12 minute warmup workout followed by a 12 minute challenge. The challenge was a bit tougher than I thought, lol. Then I did a 20 (yes I said 20) minute core workout followed by a 15 minute cooldown workout and just for fun, I did another 5 minute challenge!!! AND I DID NOT STOP IN BETWEEN FOR A BREAK! :) or feel like passing out! Yay me :) I just made sure I kept drinking water in between and I was feeling pretty good. So good in fact, I think I might do it again today and even try and make it a daily thing. Between the Biggest Loser game and my time clocked on the elyptical, I should be good to go. I would love to lose 60 lbs and that would put me at my healthy weight. If I lose 45, that would put me at my wedding date weight. Either way, I need to lose something. I hate having trouble finding clothes. It can be really degrading sometimes. Anyway, I am not focused on that anymore. I am trying SO hard to think positive. Maybe that is the secret to being a happier, healthier person?! I have been slipping into depression since we lost Casey, and I need to not do that. Yes I miss him every day and wish so many things, but I still need to not be perma-sad. I WILL see him one day and I will smother him with kisses until he says, "MOM! ENOUGH!" :) I need to be the best Mom that I can be to Janessa, and if I stay in this depression, I'm useless to and for her. And that's not fair to her. Here is a quote a friend of mine said to me and it is helping me to see a bit of light at the end of my dark tunnel: "You don't wait for things to feel different in order to act different...if you wait to feel better, you're never gonna act." I don't feel better and that's why I can't act better. So I am going to try. It will be so hard, but I will try. I think this workout system that I'm doing is going to help. I find that I am getting on my elyptical and feeling all these emotions and that just makes me push harder. I need to leave those emotions and crying times to specific times and not just all day. I need to focus more on being happy. If I am happy, it does not mean that I will forget about Casey. I need to constantly tell myself that. Being happy is not bad. Having fun and a good time is not bad. It's not being disrespectful or rude to Casey in anyway. He would want us to be happy!! So I am choosing to be a better, happier person. I am REALLY going to TRY. It already feels hard and overwhelming, but I NEED to TRY. hard.

The only one on earth..

Do you ever feel like you are the only person on earth sometimes? The only person who certain things happen to? Or the only person who does things a certain way? When I was 16, I was having some serious issues with my Dad and I felt like I was the only person on the planet who was feeling that way or having that problem. I was the only person in our household who was getting picked on, yelled at, blamed for things, etc. I felt very alone. Suicidal in fact. Much like I do now. Only not suicidal. It is SO hard to be in this particular stage of my life. The child bearing stage. Everyone around me is announcing they are pregnant. In fact, just in the past half an hour alone, I've learned of 4 more friends who are pregnant. My initial thought, of course, is excitement for them. A brief second later my heart sinks a little more. I think part of it all is the frustration I have with my specialist in Saskatoon. He hasn't checked me out at all. No tests of any kind, but a pap test, which I don't think really counts. He just signed me up for the fertility drugs. Don't get me wrong. He gave me exactly what I went there for. BUT. He didn't pursue the WHY factor. If I am able to have more kids, then WHY is there no more kids. And if I am not able to have more kids, I need to find peace with that somewhere. That is the hardest thing to do, I know. But I just. I need to know WHY. I'm still crying every day. With every other pregnancy announcement, the tears continue to flow. Tears of anguish. Tears of hurt. Tears of sadness. Tears of doubt. Too many tears. You'd think one can only cry so much, but I have never cried this much for this long.. 6 months and counting.. My moods are off too. I'm starting to have outbursts. On Friday I hurt my hand because I was having a freak out in the van and was beating the steering wheel. I need to go back to see Shelley. But Shelley isn't there anymore. I need to be back seeing a counsellor because I can't take all of this anymore. It's too much. I can't cry forever... is that even possible? Wouldn't I run out of tears? It's not a stress issue. I have nothing to be stressed about. We're okay with money. We're okay with food and clothes. We're doing okay. I don't know. Do you ever have a time when you yell at God to give you a sign and give it to you RIGHT NOW. THIS IS MY TIME for a RIGHT NOW! Please.

Enough is enough..

I am getting soooo sick of people asking me if I'm pregnant, or making jokes about being pregnant. I just had a lady from church email me saying "I hope that you're sick because it's morning sickness... I don't mean anything bad by asking... I know what it's like to want another child and for it to not be happening... losing 3 myself is no fun at all... " etc. You'd think then that she would understand and NOT ASK. Everyone seems to be so concerned about being the first ones to know if someone they know is pregnant, just so they can say they knew! And half the time, they don't really wish you well, they just want to know. We have been trying rather unsuccessfully for another child for 3.5 years. Don't you think that when I am pregnant I wouldn't want to share my wonderful news with people? That being said. BACK OFF. When I know, you'll know... if you're in our circle of family and friends. It is quite painful to always have to answer 'no' when people ask if you're pregnant. I'm ... I'm just asking. Please stop. It's adding a stressor on to an already stressful situation and jabs my heart a little more each time. So enough is enough.

A new year..

Well, a new year is here. In some ways I am glad that 2010 is over, and in some ways not. The past year was a bit of a difficult year for me, but yet there were things that happened I would never give up for anything. The biggest thing that is the most significant of last year, was losing Casey. I have such heartbreak and anguish, but at the same time, I was blessed to have him for the time I did. I just hope and pray that God will give me a year of healing, hope, love, joy, peace and contentment.
A joy for me from the past year, was strengthening some friendships and gaining a very special new friend. It has been a year where I've been shown just exactly who my true friends are and the ones that need to not be a part of my life anymore. I can not have toxic relationships. They do not do anybody any good. I just wish that the ones you have to let go would do just that... let go. That's going to be a test this year as one gal in particular refuses to let the tie be severed. So I'm praying for patience and understanding with that one.
Another blessing in disguise this past year, more towards the end of it, my Dad got a job in the city. He and my Mom were going through another rough patch and they discussed him working off the farm. I didn't think it was a good idea. But it is and was. They are doing better and my Dad has a whole new attitude and its a joy to see. He has a LOT of work to do yet especially with his kids, but its getting there.
And, last but not least, one of my favourite highlights of this past year, Janessa is potty trained! And none too soon.. in 8 short days she will be 4! :)
May you all be blessed in the coming year, and may you be surrounded by family, true blue friends, and may your bellies be filled with food and ache with laughter! :)
Happy New Year!