So... Prozac. It's something that agrees with me. It's something that works for me. I wrestle a bit with wondering if its just masking what I'm feeling? In no way does taking the Prozac mean I'm instantly better, but I do feel better some days. Right now, not so much. I'm having a rough morning. Partly because I'm REALLY tired. REALLY, REALLY tired. It doesn't help that Owen comes home and plays 20 questions. Seriously, badgering me with what's wrong, etc., does not help in any way, shape or form.
Part of my frustration today is with a friend. We talk all the time, about a lot of things, and haven't heard from them in nearly two weeks! Won't respond to texts either! Seriously, if you don't want to talk to me, have the decency to tell me. It makes you wonder when you go from talking nearly every day to not at all, ya know?
Another part of my frustration today is all blamed on the weather!!!! With this dump of snow we got, the roads are absolutely ridiculous, which means.... I have to reschedule my fertility specialist appointment that was to be tomorrow afternoon in Saskatoon! * sigh * I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this, and now that it's within arms reach, I can't do it. Grrrrrr....
I think I just need a vacation from my life, lol. Make sense? There's just everything all at once, and I need some downtime where people don't need me, I don't need to do anything, I don't need to be anywhere, and I can just sit on my duff and do some intense vegging, and watch my fave movies over and over again, sleep and sleep some more, and just relax!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Looking for a 'rainbow'...
So... about our trip. We did okay with being away from Janessa. Owen was having a harder time with it then I was, partially because she didn't want to talk to him when we had her on the phone, or she was already sleeping when we were talking to whoever was looking after her. By the 4th night, she was asking to go home so I just told my Mom to keep her busy so she wouldn't think about it. It worked!
Overall, I give our trip a 7 out of 10. I must admit that I was rather annoyed with Owen. When we were arriving in Canmore, we were supposed to meet up with someone to get some information about some things that we were going to be doing. Well that 'get info and go' took well over an hour and they started 'shooting the breeze' about business. Okay, seriously!? We had just gotten out of a 7 hour car ride and they were sitting there talking about cars!? All I wanted to do was get to our hotel and crawl into my comfy clothes and relax and try not to think about anything. Once back in the car I told Owen that I was not overly impressed that he was doing business on our trip. He wasn't happy with me for saying that.
For most of this trip, I was in a funk. My doctor had prescribed the pills for me and after researching the generic name, discovered that I am on Prozac. Well, I have no idea how long it takes for things like this to kick in, but I was hoping it was quick. Not quick enough. I was not a nice person for over half our trip. Anything that could annoy me in the tiniest way, did. We had arrived there Friday afternoon, and I was rather miserable for most of it until Sunday morning. I felt like I had an exposed nerve and everything was grating on it.
Anyway, so Friday night I was so tired and did NOT feel like going out even though it was our Anniversary that day. So, we ordered in pizza and wings, watched tv and then I tried to relax my overly tense self in the jacuzzi. Before long I was sleeping. Not too eventful. Saturday morning, I was feeling sooo tired. Then I spent the next few hours being a bit more annoyed with my husband. He had a BUSINESS lunch meeting. * sigh * After lunch, we decided to head into Banff, since it's like a 10 minute drive away. I wanted to go, but didn't at the same time. So we get to Banff and yes, its a beautiful place, but its SO overcrowded with touristy people and the like. Personally, I like Canmore better. Anyway, we couldn't do the hotsprings for fertility reasons, but we had researched the gondola rides and decided to do that. WELL. I had a meltdown in the gondola on the way up! Kind of embarrassing. I just felt like we were going to fall and every bump was freaking me out. I was nearly hyperventilating. So we get to the top and I calm down; Owen wanted to do some shopping at the top, I wasn't interested. I was feeling tired and emotionally exhausted and just wanted to go back down. So we went back down and I was fine on the way down. We then went to check out the sleigh rides, but the people running it weren't doing a very good job and wouldn't even talk to us, and we had no clue when the run times or the cost were, so we left. Decided to just head back to Canmore instead, then we went out for supper. It would have been a much more enjoyable meal if the table next to us would have quit giving us glares for 'only having 2 people in a booth'. Well, good gracious, get over it! Sunday morning, I was feeling quite a bit better, but still very tired. But we had to be at our next scheduled thing at 9 am!! We were scheduled to be going on a dog sled tour in the mountains. That was the most fun I'd had on the trip so far. The 2 hour trip felt like half an hour! But it was fun and I really enjoyed it! That night for supper we went to a place that had been recommended to us by a friend. Boy were they right! Excellent food and atmosphere, and service was impeccable!! If you are ever in Canmore, go to Murrieta's. SO worth it!
The next morning, I still did not get to sleep in!! I was booked into hair and makeup for 9 am! That day was the day that we were having our wedding photos redone. I must say, that this part of the trip was my most favorite and where I was most like my old happy self. Our photographer was amazing and we just had the best time, even though it was pretty windy and I was the only one showing skin, lol. I cannot wait to see the pictures that she's done for us.
I guess my disappointment with the trip comes from my own self, and blamed on my own self. We really need to be getting reconnected as a couple, and I was SURE this trip would totally be so awesome and we'd reconnect and be totally in love all over again. I kind of ruined all of that. My attitude was crappy. Maybe I was expecting too much and/or trying to hard?! I HAVE been getting more sleep since we got back. Not sure where its coming from. It could be the meds kicking in and doing their job. I sure hope so. I need to be back to my old self. The self that finds joy in the smallest, most simplest things.
Janessa drew me a picture of a rainbow before we left, and I took it with me. It reminded me that 'somewhere over the rainbow' things will be better and that there is always a rainbow after a storm. I'm looking forward to seeing MY 'rainbow'.
Overall, I give our trip a 7 out of 10. I must admit that I was rather annoyed with Owen. When we were arriving in Canmore, we were supposed to meet up with someone to get some information about some things that we were going to be doing. Well that 'get info and go' took well over an hour and they started 'shooting the breeze' about business. Okay, seriously!? We had just gotten out of a 7 hour car ride and they were sitting there talking about cars!? All I wanted to do was get to our hotel and crawl into my comfy clothes and relax and try not to think about anything. Once back in the car I told Owen that I was not overly impressed that he was doing business on our trip. He wasn't happy with me for saying that.
For most of this trip, I was in a funk. My doctor had prescribed the pills for me and after researching the generic name, discovered that I am on Prozac. Well, I have no idea how long it takes for things like this to kick in, but I was hoping it was quick. Not quick enough. I was not a nice person for over half our trip. Anything that could annoy me in the tiniest way, did. We had arrived there Friday afternoon, and I was rather miserable for most of it until Sunday morning. I felt like I had an exposed nerve and everything was grating on it.
Anyway, so Friday night I was so tired and did NOT feel like going out even though it was our Anniversary that day. So, we ordered in pizza and wings, watched tv and then I tried to relax my overly tense self in the jacuzzi. Before long I was sleeping. Not too eventful. Saturday morning, I was feeling sooo tired. Then I spent the next few hours being a bit more annoyed with my husband. He had a BUSINESS lunch meeting. * sigh * After lunch, we decided to head into Banff, since it's like a 10 minute drive away. I wanted to go, but didn't at the same time. So we get to Banff and yes, its a beautiful place, but its SO overcrowded with touristy people and the like. Personally, I like Canmore better. Anyway, we couldn't do the hotsprings for fertility reasons, but we had researched the gondola rides and decided to do that. WELL. I had a meltdown in the gondola on the way up! Kind of embarrassing. I just felt like we were going to fall and every bump was freaking me out. I was nearly hyperventilating. So we get to the top and I calm down; Owen wanted to do some shopping at the top, I wasn't interested. I was feeling tired and emotionally exhausted and just wanted to go back down. So we went back down and I was fine on the way down. We then went to check out the sleigh rides, but the people running it weren't doing a very good job and wouldn't even talk to us, and we had no clue when the run times or the cost were, so we left. Decided to just head back to Canmore instead, then we went out for supper. It would have been a much more enjoyable meal if the table next to us would have quit giving us glares for 'only having 2 people in a booth'. Well, good gracious, get over it! Sunday morning, I was feeling quite a bit better, but still very tired. But we had to be at our next scheduled thing at 9 am!! We were scheduled to be going on a dog sled tour in the mountains. That was the most fun I'd had on the trip so far. The 2 hour trip felt like half an hour! But it was fun and I really enjoyed it! That night for supper we went to a place that had been recommended to us by a friend. Boy were they right! Excellent food and atmosphere, and service was impeccable!! If you are ever in Canmore, go to Murrieta's. SO worth it!
The next morning, I still did not get to sleep in!! I was booked into hair and makeup for 9 am! That day was the day that we were having our wedding photos redone. I must say, that this part of the trip was my most favorite and where I was most like my old happy self. Our photographer was amazing and we just had the best time, even though it was pretty windy and I was the only one showing skin, lol. I cannot wait to see the pictures that she's done for us.
I guess my disappointment with the trip comes from my own self, and blamed on my own self. We really need to be getting reconnected as a couple, and I was SURE this trip would totally be so awesome and we'd reconnect and be totally in love all over again. I kind of ruined all of that. My attitude was crappy. Maybe I was expecting too much and/or trying to hard?! I HAVE been getting more sleep since we got back. Not sure where its coming from. It could be the meds kicking in and doing their job. I sure hope so. I need to be back to my old self. The self that finds joy in the smallest, most simplest things.
Janessa drew me a picture of a rainbow before we left, and I took it with me. It reminded me that 'somewhere over the rainbow' things will be better and that there is always a rainbow after a storm. I'm looking forward to seeing MY 'rainbow'.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Sooo... well, it's officially 3 am. Here I lay awake, again. No new surprise. So much on my mind as usual. I decided to try and go to bed shortly after 1. No luck. Instead, my living room got mostly tidied, and my kitchen got partially tidied. Sigh. But, I actually had the urge to do some cleaning. That hasn't happened in a llloooonnnggg time. My house definitely does not look its greatest. Not overly proud to admit that. I mean, its not spotless by any means, but it usually has a general tidyness and not too much disarray. That is one thing that I am looking forward to the most when I get closer to being 'better'. A decent house.
For now though, I must attempt to clear the thoughts running rampid in my head, or else I will NEVER get to sleep!!! You see, tomorrow will be a busy, busy day. Tomorrow is a day of cleaning the house, laundry, packing for Janessa, doing dishes, getting all of our wedding attire out and checked to make sure its good to go, getting my Stampin Up orders delivered, packing for us, mail the bills that are going to be getting paid, etc. SO much to do tomorrow as we leave first thing Thursday morning!!! THEN, on Thursday morning, we have to leave a key with Owen's parents, put our water jugs out on the step as its delivery day, put out the garbage, and phone his parents and make sure they bring our newly delivered water jugs into our house so they don't freeze on us; then we have to be in Saskatoon toot sweet as I have a meeting at one.
I am feeling a little uneasy about our trip though. Firstly, it's our 5 year Anniversary on Friday, and this is why we are going on a little trip - just the two of us. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I want to go. We, as a couple, desperately need this trip. We (I) have had some distance lately, and we desperately need to reconnect. We need to find "US" again. But part of me is worried about this trip. I'm worried that I won't have a good time. I'm worried that I'll be too preoccupied with my thoughts to be in the moment. I'm worried that I'll be worrying about Janessa. I'm worried that I will shut down completely. I don't know if I know how to be fun anymore. I don't know if I know how to be ... anything but what I am now...
We have all sorts of fun things planned to do on our trip; helicopter tour of the mountains, carriage ride around Banff, going for walks, just being together, etc. We're even having our wedding photos redone! I am definitely looking forward to that!! I'll be having someone do my hair and makeup for me!
I just.. am cursed to be a constant worrier. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this will be the longest time we have ever been away from Janessa. She goes to Grandparent King's for a sleepover Wednesday night, has school Thursday, then sleepover again, then Grandparent King's take her to Yorkton on Friday to drop her off with Grandparent Goertzen's. Then, we will pick her up either Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning. That's a long time to be away from her, and a long time for her to be away from us. I'm hoping that she will get lost in all the fun she will be having, that she won't realize how many days we will be apart. But I have a feeling by Sunday she will be crying for Mom n Dad.
Please, just pray for me that I will be able to focus and be in the moment for the time we are away. I need to be able to relax and just have fun with my husband.
For now though, I must attempt to clear the thoughts running rampid in my head, or else I will NEVER get to sleep!!! You see, tomorrow will be a busy, busy day. Tomorrow is a day of cleaning the house, laundry, packing for Janessa, doing dishes, getting all of our wedding attire out and checked to make sure its good to go, getting my Stampin Up orders delivered, packing for us, mail the bills that are going to be getting paid, etc. SO much to do tomorrow as we leave first thing Thursday morning!!! THEN, on Thursday morning, we have to leave a key with Owen's parents, put our water jugs out on the step as its delivery day, put out the garbage, and phone his parents and make sure they bring our newly delivered water jugs into our house so they don't freeze on us; then we have to be in Saskatoon toot sweet as I have a meeting at one.
I am feeling a little uneasy about our trip though. Firstly, it's our 5 year Anniversary on Friday, and this is why we are going on a little trip - just the two of us. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I want to go. We, as a couple, desperately need this trip. We (I) have had some distance lately, and we desperately need to reconnect. We need to find "US" again. But part of me is worried about this trip. I'm worried that I won't have a good time. I'm worried that I'll be too preoccupied with my thoughts to be in the moment. I'm worried that I'll be worrying about Janessa. I'm worried that I will shut down completely. I don't know if I know how to be fun anymore. I don't know if I know how to be ... anything but what I am now...
We have all sorts of fun things planned to do on our trip; helicopter tour of the mountains, carriage ride around Banff, going for walks, just being together, etc. We're even having our wedding photos redone! I am definitely looking forward to that!! I'll be having someone do my hair and makeup for me!
I just.. am cursed to be a constant worrier. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this will be the longest time we have ever been away from Janessa. She goes to Grandparent King's for a sleepover Wednesday night, has school Thursday, then sleepover again, then Grandparent King's take her to Yorkton on Friday to drop her off with Grandparent Goertzen's. Then, we will pick her up either Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning. That's a long time to be away from her, and a long time for her to be away from us. I'm hoping that she will get lost in all the fun she will be having, that she won't realize how many days we will be apart. But I have a feeling by Sunday she will be crying for Mom n Dad.
Please, just pray for me that I will be able to focus and be in the moment for the time we are away. I need to be able to relax and just have fun with my husband.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
One of my most favorite men..
I have the best doctor ever! I really do. He is so genuinely caring about his patients, and he is ready and willing to do whatever he has to in order for the patient to be taken care of. I went in to see him today to get my meds. Of course, I cried. Having to 'tuck tail' and admit defeat and ask for help is hard enough to do, when you AREN'T asking to be put on medication. He has been my doctor for like 10 years! He's seen me through a LOT of things!!! That's an under statement really. He has saved my life on more than one occasion. So when I had to ask him about this today, I told him that I feel like I'm getting to where I was 6 years ago when he all but admitted me to the mental health unit. I also said to him that when you've been so bad and then get better, its easy to see when things are getting bad again and when you need to ask for help. Hence my trip today. He also gave me some recommendations on what to do to help me sleep. Boy oh boy will that be nice to actually get some sleep!! There comes a point when you have had enough.. and I'm almost at that point. I NEED to sleep! Anyway, before I left, he looked at me very compassionately and he said, 'Don't worry, we WILL get you better'. Have I mentioned that my doctor is one of my favorite people on this planet!? He cares so much and I appreciate all he does for me and my family. It's hard to find a doctor like this it seems. So when you find your wonderful doc, don't lose 'em!! He also has a super wonderful secretary~she got me in on the spur of the moment today and I'm so thankful that she did!
Monday, March 7, 2011
It has been a very rough week. I've had many more sleepless nights, many more crying sessions, many more times of being hurt, humiliated, and angry all in the same breath. I've had hurtful things said to me; I've been angry at sad person for saying said thing. I've hit one of my lowest points on this 'road' thus far. Unfortunately, I have to rehash it all with my counselor tomorrow. I wish life had a giant record button, so that you didn't have to relive the moments that hurt so much. It's going to be a trying, emotional day tomorrow and I honestly am not sure I will be able to handle it.
As excited as I am about our trip coming up this week, I am also nervous. Will I be able to just be me? Who and where is ME!? Will I be able to forget all my insecurities, worries, hurts, etc for a few days of just me and my husband? Will I be able to forget about @(>~@$)(&%^#* and not think about it while on this trip with Owen. Will I be able to have fun? Will I be able to find that oneness that one has with their spouse? I'm worried that our trip won't go well. I'm worried that 'my new self' will be prevalent and I'll just be going through the motions while on this trip. I want to be in every moment and enjoy each one. We are going to be doing some fun and exciting things; things that we have never done or thought we would do. I want to be able to enjoy that!
I know that we need this trip in the worst way. We are distant and we need to be reconnected. I'm worried that it won't happen. What will happen if we don't, and stay distant as we are, and get worse???
I need to quit saying we.... it's not 'us'... it's ... ME...
As excited as I am about our trip coming up this week, I am also nervous. Will I be able to just be me? Who and where is ME!? Will I be able to forget all my insecurities, worries, hurts, etc for a few days of just me and my husband? Will I be able to forget about @(>~@$)(&%^#* and not think about it while on this trip with Owen. Will I be able to have fun? Will I be able to find that oneness that one has with their spouse? I'm worried that our trip won't go well. I'm worried that 'my new self' will be prevalent and I'll just be going through the motions while on this trip. I want to be in every moment and enjoy each one. We are going to be doing some fun and exciting things; things that we have never done or thought we would do. I want to be able to enjoy that!
I know that we need this trip in the worst way. We are distant and we need to be reconnected. I'm worried that it won't happen. What will happen if we don't, and stay distant as we are, and get worse???
I need to quit saying we.... it's not 'us'... it's ... ME...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
**Yawn**
I am soooo exhausted! I have not felt this tired in a very long time. I can barely function. At this point I could probably sleep the entire day away and most of the night. It doesn't help that I was wide awake until nearly 3 am, only to be back at my magical hour of 5. It seems that my body loves 5 am. Every night for the past few months, I have been up at 5 am, and can't get back to sleep for a long time. Not my idea of a good time. Seriously, how can someone possibly function on this little sleep!? I feel like I'm going crazy!!!
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