Fun afternoon

We had our family photo session this afternoon! It's a beautiful afternoon! Sun is shining, clear blue skies, and a breeze. A touch too breezy but overall not bad. We had a wonderful photo session and I soooo cannot wait to see our photos! She showed me one of them while we were in the midst of it and I started tearing up; it was such a great photo of my little girl! I can't wait to share them with you in about a week's time! :)

New prospects are FUN!

Well, we went and looked at two houses this evening!! The first one was very nice but a fair bit smaller than our current one and there is not too much there for a backyard. The interior of the house was very nice. The couple has done A LOT of remodeling and it was very very nice! It's just too small. It did have 3 bedrooms, but only 2 were upstairs which Owen did not like, and there was no real room for a dining table. It was in the living room. Weird. So after supper we went and looked at another house which I'm trying really really really hard not to fall in love with so that I am not going to be disappointed if it doesn't work out! But it's sooo perfect! I know all the neighbours in the bay and they are all awesome people with little kids too! This house is 2 stories with a finished basement. On the main floor is a living room, kitchen, foyer, laundry room, dining room, front and back entrances and a bathroom. On the second floor are 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, a huge linen closet, and the master bathroom with ensuite (eek!!). In the basement, is 2 huge rumpus rooms, a huge storage closet, another super large storage room, and a really big cold room. There is also a double attached garage and Owen would LOVE that as he would have somewhere to do his woorworking projects as we don't have a garage at this house. There is also a huge garden, a garden shed, two level deck, lots of trees, completely fenced LARGE backyard! There is a grapevine snaking up the one wall of the deck and looks absolutely gorgeous especially in its fall splendor! The backyard is SO big!! It's probably 3-4 times bigger than our current one and its completely fenced which means Janessa could be free to run anywhere in our backyard! Our current backyard is only half fenced in and that's annoying for us. Anyway... I know .. I have my hopes up already. But both of us could just see so much in this house and we would be so happy with all that space to have our life in! In the first house we looked at, Janessa just kind of went with the flow and walked with us. At this second house, she made herself right at home. She was jumping and running on the deck, running in the backyard, laying on the steps, watching tv, sprawling out on the couch.. it was so neat to see her just involve herself in the house! She just loved it! Seeing her love the house like that was really awesome for us to see. It made us feel really good about possibly owning this house. So we would LOOVVEEEE prayers in this situation! Thank you in advance! :)

An unwanted new stress..

So.... we're house hunting. There has been too much crap lately on this particular section of our street and I no longer feel safe in my own home. Especially when I came home after a meeting last night and there's cops on both sides of us!! We recently found out that our one neighbour is a drug dealer. So not okay. Ever since we found out, I have not been sleeping. I keep having nightmares of people shooting up our house, or breaking into our house and shooting us. I know. It's weird. But hey. I can't help what dreams I have. Anyway, I just don't feel safe in my own home now. Sure we love this house. BUT - it's just a house. We can make any house into our HOME. I told Owen after we moved into this place that I wasn't moving again for a very long time. Well that very long time is here and its only been two years. At the same time though, I cannot stay somewhere where we don't feel safe, and I am not willing to have my daughter exposed to what is going on next door. I am her parent and I will protect her at whatever cost. We so don't need this additional stress in our lives, but I can't live with what would happen if something were to happen... ya know?! SO... anyone have any places for sale/rent?! :)

Busy bee I am..

I have a very busy week ahead of me! I had a meeting tonight, I have another meeting tomorrow night, I have a dr appt Tuesday, I have another appt in the city on Wednesday, Wednesday night scrapbooking, Janessa has her first gymnastics class on Thursday, Janessa has playschool on Friday, and I have my card workshop on Friday night. AND in the midst of all this, I have a household to run, meals to cook... AND all the prep work to do for my card workshop on Friday night!! Thank goodness that Grandma is watching Janessa few hours on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday so that I will be able to get a bunch of this stuff done!
In the midst of my busyness, I went to Church today. It's been awhile. I'm just still not quite ready to deal with the 'how are you' and 'how are you feeling' questions. I went today mostly to appease my husband. I was doing not bad.. and then I just sunk. It was all I could do not to high tail it out of there and go home. It didn't help that Janessa was not sitting still (like she usually does) and the lady beside us thought it was funny that she was acting up. THEN, she asks me if Janessa can have a sucker. Um. NO. I'm not going to give her a reward for being bad! What's wrong with you woman!? Anyway, so yeah that didn't help at all. No sooner was the service over and I was all but cornered with questions and people wondering what was going on with me. So what did I do? I LIED THROUGH MY TEETH. Egad! I lied in Church! Not the first time. But seriously, some of the people who were trying to ask me how I was, are the last people I'm going to confide in. One of which being a gal who started rumors that I was pregnant over something she saw on facebook. Anyway. I left and came home and wondered why I went. I feel like if I do go, I will go straight out the the van and not talk to anyone afterwards. I don't know. I just need space and NO questions. (unless those of you who attend my church and read this blog are my friends :) and yes you know who you are).
Anyway, just was not an overly great morning today. And another thing, my counsellor is moving to another position. Just when we were starting to really get somewhere and she was really helping me, she's leaving. sigh. She is trying a different job, and if within 3 months she wants her old one back, she can have it. She said that I can be put to another person in her office, or wait it out, or find a new one altogether. So I guess what I'm going to be (and have to be doing) doing is thinking a lot. How much do I need to be seeing her still. Do I really need her... do I think I need her.. sigh. This is just a little too much to have to process in too short a time. But I'm going to try. When she leaves, I won't be just left to 'deal'. There will be someone else who can help me. But still. sigh.

A mind-full

So I have my regular Wednesday. It's scrapbooking night with the ladies!! I so look forward to my Wednesday nights. It's a much needed time of girl talk and craftiness and eating junk food! :) I left earlier than I normally do, mostly because I am still not feeling 100% so I wanted to be home in good time and get to bed. I was SO tired by the time I got home, I crawled straight into bed... after moving Janessa back to her bed of course. So I snuggled in ready for sleep. It did not come. Instead, I laid there wide awake, my mind racing a million miles an hour of things I need to do, things I want to do, things I should do, things that scare me, things that worry me, all kinds of stuff. So I am taking some advice (yet again) from a counsellor I saw years ago. He said that if I can't sleep because there's things running through my mind, then to write them down, and see if that helps them go away. So here I am. Trying to empty my brain so I can sleep. Although this is nothing new. This happens almost nightly, but tonight I just couldn't lay there anymore and wait. Usually, I lay there and all I can think about is Casey. But lately, he hasn't been on my mind. That kinda scares me a bit. I don't want to forget about him. I know I won't, but it kinda felt strange that I didn't have him on my mind. Then I start thinking about Janessa and how silly she is. I love the stories she comes up with and how she can turn one little thought into the most grandest, funniest story she knows and how she gets animated when she's telling it to me! Her eyes get big and her arms are moving and she's nearly bouncing. I love it! Then I start thinking about how I need to be more attentive to her and do more things with her. Sometimes I don't think that I spend enough time with her. When she wants me to read her a story, I'll read it and then send her on her way. She's like, more Mommy. Yet I don't. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I need to read her that same story over and over 20 times if she wants me to. I need to stop thinking that she's 'bothering' me when she wants something like that. I really need to just veg out and take full stock of her. She is growing up sooo fast and it won't be long until she'll be in school fulltime and then I won't have these afternoon or mid morning story times with her, or the tea parties, or the random conversations that don't always make sense. It sounds strange, but I'm kind of glad that I got laid off because this gives me the extra special time with her. I absolutely LOVE staying in our jammies till after lunch together. That's fun and she thinks its super special!! Just that she thinks its that cool makes my heart get all warm and tingly. Growing up I longed for the day when I could have a little girl of my own, and I so badly wanted to have a tight bond with her. I do know that I have to work at that everyday even now when she is little. I don't want her to feel distant from me. I want us to be so close! *sigh* I told you I had a mind full didn't I?

A hopeful end to a very long week!

So this past week was a very long one. I spent 3 nights and 2 days in the hospital. The remainder of the time, I spent on my couch or in my bed. I got an infection and it totally kicked my butt! For 3 days I had a temp of 39.7! After getting a LOT of IV drugs and pain meds, and way too much hospital time, I do feel a *little* better. I will be so much happier when I am better as it made Janessa pretty scared to see me in the hospital, and I don't like that I scared her. Thank you so much to all my sweet caring friends for your kind words, gifts of flowers and chocolate, and well wishes. Let's hope that this week is way super better and that I get all my energy back and can tend to my family instead of my family attending to me!

Soooo tired..

After suffering through severe lower back pain last night, Owen took me to the hospital. They injected pain killers, and they didn't work. I was shaking so much cause I was so cold! I had a fever on top of it all. They gave me another pain killer which helped me fall asleep but I had a rough night. I was shaking from being cold, then I was sweating I was so hot... it was not fun. The more I shivered, the more my back hurt. Turns out I was severely dehydrated and have a urinary tract infection. Who knew that a urinary tract infection could cause that much pain in other areas of your body? I am so glad to be back at home but I feel still weak and dizzy. Would appreciate prayers..

A bittersweet moment...

So today is a bit of a hard day for me. My sweet baby is in playschool. I can't believe that she is nearly 4 years old! What happened to those years!? Janessa is at playschool right now, and the house is wayyyy too quiet. It's kind of eery. It's a different kind of quiet. Yes, it's quiet when she's at Grandma's or Daddy has her somewhere, but this is different. It's weird. But, I was secretly happy for her when she was practically vibrating because she was so excited to go to playschool.

My little girl is growing up wayyy too fast!!! But isn't she cute!? :)
Here is a shot of her with her teacher and a classmate. She didn't even look back at me once she realized there was lots of toys :(

Another discouraging day

I feel like I just want to be done. My body has been so.. just downright weird since we lost Casey. This week has been especially different. I don't know. It all just makes me want to be done and whatever. I think the time may be here where I need to ask God that he quell my desire for more children... I just .. I don't know how much longer I can do this.. I know some people go for like 10 years. I just don't have that kind of stamina-its already been 3 years. I am not that strong emotionally to go for that long. I think this may just be it.. as painful as that sounds and as hard and hurtful as it is to admit. It's just .. I'm done.

Another day, another tear, another day, no tears

So my counsellor told me yesterday that if I was "fine" this early, she would be concerned about me. The fact that I'm not "fine" is a good sign. Say what?! But no, I totally understand. I'm so thankful that I have Shelley. She has been super helpful for me and I'm so thankful. There are some days where I don't feel sad and cry and think about Casey, but there are a lot more when I do. And that's okay. I just need to work on the whole 'don't feel guilty for feeling happy' times.
On another note, my sweet little girl is growing up way too fast!!! She starts playschool on Monday. I KNOW I'm going to cry. I get all misty eyed just thinking about her going to playschool. I'm sure she'll absolutely love it, that I have no doubt. I'm sure I'll be a wreck at home for the first few classes.

About the bone scan..

So the bone scan has come and gone, and several people are asking me how it went. Well it went. I was already nervous and anxious about it, and the way it all went down certainly DID NOT help matters. So I got to the hospital with plenty of time to spare before my appointment so that I could grab some breaky somewhere. I had to register at 9 and my appt was at 930. On the form, it said that if you thought you were pregnant or if you were 'of child-bearing age' you had to tell the tech before hand. So within 5 minutes of being there, I told the receptionist that a pregnancy test should be done. Here is where the frustrations rose to just being downright ticked; and shaky nerves the entire time. At 903 I told them of possible pregnancy and she informed the tech right away. I was taken in to a back room at 920 and Ben explained the process of the bone scan and dye injection. I asked him if he was told of a possible pregnancy and he said yes and that he was going to order a test. At 930 I still had not heard anything and my test was supposed to have been started. Ben came back in the room at 935 and said they had to get a doctor to sign off on the form to order the preg test, but the doctor had not arrived yet. The doc finally comes at 940 and signs off and at 945 Ben calls the lab for a STAT preg test (STAT means RIGHT NOW). The lab tech does not show up until 10 and the test is done at 1002, and the tech was told to get the results STAT. The 'STAT' results did not come until 1035 which is now well over an hour past my scheduled appt time. The results showed up as negative, so I am cleared to have the dye injected and the bone scan done. I am taken in to the room at 1045 and the dye gets injected, the pics get taken, and I am told to come back later. I was plenty frustrated and so I wanted to go do a bit of shopping to try and cheer up a little. I get out to my van and find a fantastic piece of paper on my window. A $60 parking ticket. THEN I was MAD. Oy. So anyway, I was scheduled to come back at 1250 but because my scan was pushed back so long, my return time was changed to 245. She said I could arrive earlier if I wanted so that they could get me in faster. Okay. So I come back at 230 and don't get back in the room until 345, and then the second set of pics was taken. I was so tired from all of this, that I actually fell asleep during the second set of pics. The second set of pics was done by about 430 and then I was out of there. After all that, I still had my errands to run in the city, and groceries to pick up. Needless to say, I didn't get home until nearly 9 and I was soooo tired. Arg.