A new way of life.....

Well, its been awhile since I have posted anything here. It has been a very long, emotional, exhausting, dabilitating, refreshing, restful few weeks; if that's even possible to have that many emotions all in the same thought. I'll have to point form it so that it all comes out, lol.

-I quit taking the Prozac because it messed with me in a bad way. In exchange, I was put on Effexor and that has been a HUGE benefit for me! My doctor told me that if I start getting hot flashes, it would be my indicator that it is working. Well, by day 3, I was hot flashing something fierce!! Some days its almost too much! BUT, I just sluff it off because its a small price to pay to have my life back! I've been feeling SO good and way more like myself since I got put on this new medication! Yahoo!!

-I've been able to fondly think of Casey now, instead of hysterically and sadly thinking about him. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have been able to work out and process them a bit, and I feel so much better. That doesn't mean that I am done working on effectively managing my grief and my sadness, but it means that I am able to try more now that I am getting better. I still think of him and miss him a lot, but I love him so much more and am able to not think negatively every time he comes to mind. I feel like I can effectively talk about him with Janessa and that she would understand.

-My counselling has been going very well. My mind has become so clear even though there is still stuff bogged up inside of there. I've been able to think through things in the moment and have been able to handle things better than I would have otherwise. It's almost surreal! I feel so much better than I did a few months ago!! You know when you have done something and you've done it well and you sit back and smile and a contented sigh comes out? That's me! :) It's actually hard to put into words how different I am from what/who I was just 3 months ago. It's bizarre, but a good bizarre. I haven't felt that constant panic in awhile and I love that it is gone!

-This brings me to my home life. It is in a pretty big upheaval at the moment, yet I'm oddly calm about it. Basically, things in my marriage came to a boiling point and it boiled over. It is over. This may sound harsh/curt, but in all honesty, I'm not that upset about it. Sparing details that don't need to be shared, I feel a deep sense of relief that it has finally boiled over. I know that probably sounds really bad, but its the truth. I haven't felt this good about that in a very long time. I feel SO relaxed. There is only one thing weighing on me in this aspect, and that is my precious little girl. Janessa is a smart little girl, and she knows what is going on. Due to what was happening, the end needed to come if not for anyone else than her. She means far more to me than anything and she is and always will be my sole concern. A custody arrangement has been reached, and took effect yesterday. I tell you yesterday was a very, very, very, very, very, very hard day for me. I was literally sick. I have not seen my little girl since Friday afternoon, and won't until Thursday morning. As much as I try and tell myself that she is okay, it is still VERY, VERY hard. But when I see her again, it will be so awesome!!!

-Lastly, I am still trying to secure a place to live. I was supposed to hear word of a place on Friday, but that has now been postponed until Tuesday! Staying in a hotel sucks!! Especially when you're by yourself. I can only crash with family for so long before everyone needs a break. But for now, here is where I sit.

My new normal: single Mom to the most beautiful 4 year old I know and being the best Mother to her that I can be!

I love you Janessa!