The only one on earth..

Do you ever feel like you are the only person on earth sometimes? The only person who certain things happen to? Or the only person who does things a certain way? When I was 16, I was having some serious issues with my Dad and I felt like I was the only person on the planet who was feeling that way or having that problem. I was the only person in our household who was getting picked on, yelled at, blamed for things, etc. I felt very alone. Suicidal in fact. Much like I do now. Only not suicidal. It is SO hard to be in this particular stage of my life. The child bearing stage. Everyone around me is announcing they are pregnant. In fact, just in the past half an hour alone, I've learned of 4 more friends who are pregnant. My initial thought, of course, is excitement for them. A brief second later my heart sinks a little more. I think part of it all is the frustration I have with my specialist in Saskatoon. He hasn't checked me out at all. No tests of any kind, but a pap test, which I don't think really counts. He just signed me up for the fertility drugs. Don't get me wrong. He gave me exactly what I went there for. BUT. He didn't pursue the WHY factor. If I am able to have more kids, then WHY is there no more kids. And if I am not able to have more kids, I need to find peace with that somewhere. That is the hardest thing to do, I know. But I just. I need to know WHY. I'm still crying every day. With every other pregnancy announcement, the tears continue to flow. Tears of anguish. Tears of hurt. Tears of sadness. Tears of doubt. Too many tears. You'd think one can only cry so much, but I have never cried this much for this long.. 6 months and counting.. My moods are off too. I'm starting to have outbursts. On Friday I hurt my hand because I was having a freak out in the van and was beating the steering wheel. I need to go back to see Shelley. But Shelley isn't there anymore. I need to be back seeing a counsellor because I can't take all of this anymore. It's too much. I can't cry forever... is that even possible? Wouldn't I run out of tears? It's not a stress issue. I have nothing to be stressed about. We're okay with money. We're okay with food and clothes. We're doing okay. I don't know. Do you ever have a time when you yell at God to give you a sign and give it to you RIGHT NOW. THIS IS MY TIME for a RIGHT NOW! Please.