Sooo... well, it's officially 3 am. Here I lay awake, again. No new surprise. So much on my mind as usual. I decided to try and go to bed shortly after 1. No luck. Instead, my living room got mostly tidied, and my kitchen got partially tidied. Sigh. But, I actually had the urge to do some cleaning. That hasn't happened in a llloooonnnggg time. My house definitely does not look its greatest. Not overly proud to admit that. I mean, its not spotless by any means, but it usually has a general tidyness and not too much disarray. That is one thing that I am looking forward to the most when I get closer to being 'better'. A decent house.

For now though, I must attempt to clear the thoughts running rampid in my head, or else I will NEVER get to sleep!!! You see, tomorrow will be a busy, busy day. Tomorrow is a day of cleaning the house, laundry, packing for Janessa, doing dishes, getting all of our wedding attire out and checked to make sure its good to go, getting my Stampin Up orders delivered, packing for us, mail the bills that are going to be getting paid, etc. SO much to do tomorrow as we leave first thing Thursday morning!!! THEN, on Thursday morning, we have to leave a key with Owen's parents, put our water jugs out on the step as its delivery day, put out the garbage, and phone his parents and make sure they bring our newly delivered water jugs into our house so they don't freeze on us; then we have to be in Saskatoon toot sweet as I have a meeting at one.

I am feeling a little uneasy about our trip though. Firstly, it's our 5 year Anniversary on Friday, and this is why we are going on a little trip - just the two of us. Yes, I am excited. Yes, I want to go. We, as a couple, desperately need this trip. We (I) have had some distance lately, and we desperately need to reconnect. We need to find "US" again. But part of me is worried about this trip. I'm worried that I won't have a good time. I'm worried that I'll be too preoccupied with my thoughts to be in the moment. I'm worried that I'll be worrying about Janessa. I'm worried that I will shut down completely. I don't know if I know how to be fun anymore. I don't know if I know how to be ... anything but what I am now...

We have all sorts of fun things planned to do on our trip; helicopter tour of the mountains, carriage ride around Banff, going for walks, just being together, etc. We're even having our wedding photos redone! I am definitely looking forward to that!! I'll be having someone do my hair and makeup for me!

I just.. am cursed to be a constant worrier. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this will be the longest time we have ever been away from Janessa. She goes to Grandparent King's for a sleepover Wednesday night, has school Thursday, then sleepover again, then Grandparent King's take her to Yorkton on Friday to drop her off with Grandparent Goertzen's. Then, we will pick her up either Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning. That's a long time to be away from her, and a long time for her to be away from us. I'm hoping that she will get lost in all the fun she will be having, that she won't realize how many days we will be apart. But I have a feeling by Sunday she will be crying for Mom n Dad.

Please, just pray for me that I will be able to focus and be in the moment for the time we are away. I need to be able to relax and just have fun with my husband.