Tears

So today I spent most of the day trying to get rid of a migraine. It was a very debilitating one and I could not even get out of bed. Around 4 or so, I was finally able to be mobile and do a few small things around the house. I was so looking forward to having my husband home as I was just in that 'want to be held' mood. Just makes one feel better after being sick, ya know? Well. Never happened. In fact, Owen came home from work, made himself and Janessa some supper, and then played a few games with her and then fell asleep on the couch.. by 730. Yes I am annoyed. Yes I am hurt. Yes I am mad. I just needed that snuggle time with my husband and it never came. When asked about it, it just turned into a fight. After calming down some, I said that WE need to work hard at trying to keep my moods good because whenever I get a little angry or something, my brain does not shut off. It just keeps going and bringing up all these things that I need to not be thinking about, and bringing up all my feelings about Casey, and then I just get all upset all over again... then the tears come. And come. And come. And come. Owen went to bed and I went in after a few to talk to him. I said that its not good for a person's health or relationships to go to bed angry. You don't get proper sleep and therefore your body doesn't rejuvenate itself. I also said that since I'm going to bed upset all the time, that must be why I can never get any sleep, and that must be why I'm so pissy all the time cause of the lack of sleep! Long story and much tears shorter, I told him that I am getting severely depressed and I need help. Right now. He didn't say anything. At all. For several minutes. I got up and said your silence speaks volumes right now. And I left. I have been through a troubled marriage before. I am trying so hard to make this one work. I wonder if I am trying too hard? Our marriage is not troubled... just me. I need to be seeing a counselor and I can't get in to one until the end of the month. I think I will try someone else. I can't take this anymore. I feel like I am going to lose it on someone and I do NOT want that someone to be Janessa. I wish I could just turn this off.. so badly. It's to the point where I am starting to be scared of myself. I snap all the time.... I don't like the person I am. At least I can still keep it 'all together' in public or else I'd be screwed. I just hope I can get in to this counselor right away. I just can't wait anymore. I need some release that is not on my family. It's not fair to them.