So I have my regular Wednesday. It's scrapbooking night with the ladies!! I so look forward to my Wednesday nights. It's a much needed time of girl talk and craftiness and eating junk food! :) I left earlier than I normally do, mostly because I am still not feeling 100% so I wanted to be home in good time and get to bed. I was SO tired by the time I got home, I crawled straight into bed... after moving Janessa back to her bed of course. So I snuggled in ready for sleep. It did not come. Instead, I laid there wide awake, my mind racing a million miles an hour of things I need to do, things I want to do, things I should do, things that scare me, things that worry me, all kinds of stuff. So I am taking some advice (yet again) from a counsellor I saw years ago. He said that if I can't sleep because there's things running through my mind, then to write them down, and see if that helps them go away. So here I am. Trying to empty my brain so I can sleep. Although this is nothing new. This happens almost nightly, but tonight I just couldn't lay there anymore and wait. Usually, I lay there and all I can think about is Casey. But lately, he hasn't been on my mind. That kinda scares me a bit. I don't want to forget about him. I know I won't, but it kinda felt strange that I didn't have him on my mind. Then I start thinking about Janessa and how silly she is. I love the stories she comes up with and how she can turn one little thought into the most grandest, funniest story she knows and how she gets animated when she's telling it to me! Her eyes get big and her arms are moving and she's nearly bouncing. I love it! Then I start thinking about how I need to be more attentive to her and do more things with her. Sometimes I don't think that I spend enough time with her. When she wants me to read her a story, I'll read it and then send her on her way. She's like, more Mommy. Yet I don't. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I need to read her that same story over and over 20 times if she wants me to. I need to stop thinking that she's 'bothering' me when she wants something like that. I really need to just veg out and take full stock of her. She is growing up sooo fast and it won't be long until she'll be in school fulltime and then I won't have these afternoon or mid morning story times with her, or the tea parties, or the random conversations that don't always make sense. It sounds strange, but I'm kind of glad that I got laid off because this gives me the extra special time with her. I absolutely LOVE staying in our jammies till after lunch together. That's fun and she thinks its super special!! Just that she thinks its that cool makes my heart get all warm and tingly. Growing up I longed for the day when I could have a little girl of my own, and I so badly wanted to have a tight bond with her. I do know that I have to work at that everyday even now when she is little. I don't want her to feel distant from me. I want us to be so close! *sigh* I told you I had a mind full didn't I?
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You are a GREAT mom! Don't be so hard on yourself!
ReplyDeleteThere are many many times I get down on myself because I don't feel I doing a good enough job as a mom, "not doing enough with them", "not getting them in enough stuff", etc......
But you need to remember the the words "you are not enough" or "you are not doing a good enough job" don't come from God. Just tell satan to get out of your head! :)
It was good for all of us to get out last night! For sure! Hope you got rested up today!!