Soooo tired..

After suffering through severe lower back pain last night, Owen took me to the hospital. They injected pain killers, and they didn't work. I was shaking so much cause I was so cold! I had a fever on top of it all. They gave me another pain killer which helped me fall asleep but I had a rough night. I was shaking from being cold, then I was sweating I was so hot... it was not fun. The more I shivered, the more my back hurt. Turns out I was severely dehydrated and have a urinary tract infection. Who knew that a urinary tract infection could cause that much pain in other areas of your body? I am so glad to be back at home but I feel still weak and dizzy. Would appreciate prayers..

A bittersweet moment...

So today is a bit of a hard day for me. My sweet baby is in playschool. I can't believe that she is nearly 4 years old! What happened to those years!? Janessa is at playschool right now, and the house is wayyyy too quiet. It's kind of eery. It's a different kind of quiet. Yes, it's quiet when she's at Grandma's or Daddy has her somewhere, but this is different. It's weird. But, I was secretly happy for her when she was practically vibrating because she was so excited to go to playschool.

My little girl is growing up wayyy too fast!!! But isn't she cute!? :)
Here is a shot of her with her teacher and a classmate. She didn't even look back at me once she realized there was lots of toys :(

Another discouraging day

I feel like I just want to be done. My body has been so.. just downright weird since we lost Casey. This week has been especially different. I don't know. It all just makes me want to be done and whatever. I think the time may be here where I need to ask God that he quell my desire for more children... I just .. I don't know how much longer I can do this.. I know some people go for like 10 years. I just don't have that kind of stamina-its already been 3 years. I am not that strong emotionally to go for that long. I think this may just be it.. as painful as that sounds and as hard and hurtful as it is to admit. It's just .. I'm done.

Another day, another tear, another day, no tears

So my counsellor told me yesterday that if I was "fine" this early, she would be concerned about me. The fact that I'm not "fine" is a good sign. Say what?! But no, I totally understand. I'm so thankful that I have Shelley. She has been super helpful for me and I'm so thankful. There are some days where I don't feel sad and cry and think about Casey, but there are a lot more when I do. And that's okay. I just need to work on the whole 'don't feel guilty for feeling happy' times.
On another note, my sweet little girl is growing up way too fast!!! She starts playschool on Monday. I KNOW I'm going to cry. I get all misty eyed just thinking about her going to playschool. I'm sure she'll absolutely love it, that I have no doubt. I'm sure I'll be a wreck at home for the first few classes.

About the bone scan..

So the bone scan has come and gone, and several people are asking me how it went. Well it went. I was already nervous and anxious about it, and the way it all went down certainly DID NOT help matters. So I got to the hospital with plenty of time to spare before my appointment so that I could grab some breaky somewhere. I had to register at 9 and my appt was at 930. On the form, it said that if you thought you were pregnant or if you were 'of child-bearing age' you had to tell the tech before hand. So within 5 minutes of being there, I told the receptionist that a pregnancy test should be done. Here is where the frustrations rose to just being downright ticked; and shaky nerves the entire time. At 903 I told them of possible pregnancy and she informed the tech right away. I was taken in to a back room at 920 and Ben explained the process of the bone scan and dye injection. I asked him if he was told of a possible pregnancy and he said yes and that he was going to order a test. At 930 I still had not heard anything and my test was supposed to have been started. Ben came back in the room at 935 and said they had to get a doctor to sign off on the form to order the preg test, but the doctor had not arrived yet. The doc finally comes at 940 and signs off and at 945 Ben calls the lab for a STAT preg test (STAT means RIGHT NOW). The lab tech does not show up until 10 and the test is done at 1002, and the tech was told to get the results STAT. The 'STAT' results did not come until 1035 which is now well over an hour past my scheduled appt time. The results showed up as negative, so I am cleared to have the dye injected and the bone scan done. I am taken in to the room at 1045 and the dye gets injected, the pics get taken, and I am told to come back later. I was plenty frustrated and so I wanted to go do a bit of shopping to try and cheer up a little. I get out to my van and find a fantastic piece of paper on my window. A $60 parking ticket. THEN I was MAD. Oy. So anyway, I was scheduled to come back at 1250 but because my scan was pushed back so long, my return time was changed to 245. She said I could arrive earlier if I wanted so that they could get me in faster. Okay. So I come back at 230 and don't get back in the room until 345, and then the second set of pics was taken. I was so tired from all of this, that I actually fell asleep during the second set of pics. The second set of pics was done by about 430 and then I was out of there. After all that, I still had my errands to run in the city, and groceries to pick up. Needless to say, I didn't get home until nearly 9 and I was soooo tired. Arg.

Nerves reign again...

So I'm nervous. Tomorrow I have my bone scan in Regina. I don't know how to feel. My husband tells me not to worry so much. I told him that the day I stop worrying about things, is the day he should start to worry about me. It's just what I do. As does my Mother. And his Mother. Anyway, I feel sick thinking about this test tomorrow. I know I should probably just chill out and take it all as it comes, but it's still a little scary. I've never had a bone scan before, nor have I ever had a dye injected into my body. However, I AM going to MAKE them do a pregnancy test before the dye is injected just in case. I am not taking any chances. I will have 3 hours to kill in between when the pictures of my bones are taken. Shop therapy will hopefully help soothe my mind.

Glory Baby

In chatting with a cousin this afternoon, she suggested I take a listen to a song. It is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark. I can't figure out how to post music, but I will post the lyrics, and if you find the song, make sure you have kleenex handy. I know I sure needed it.

Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you, Until we're home with you
CHORUS
We miss you every day, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But Baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until Mom and Dad can hold you
You'll just have Heaven before we do
You'll just have Heaven before we do
Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works His purposes
Just like He said He would, just like He said He would
CHORUS
BRIDGE
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know
CHORUS

I love you Casey!
Love Momma