Digression...

So after that chat/cry session I had with Elsie nearly two weeks ago, I've been pretty good. Not super awesome but not super horrible like I had been. Until last night. I was working in my office doing some paperwork and payroll for playschool, and my computer was not co-operating. I do the payroll calculations online, and it wouldn't let me save the files, nor print them. It was seriously pissing me off. Add that to a husband being less than thrilled that I asked him to make dinner, and a child that suddenly *refused* to go to PreK and to Grandma's, my suddenly severely uncomfy office chair, etc, etc. It was just a rough afternoon into evening yesterday... and then my computer had the audacity to piss me off. I had to revert to the desktop instead and that computer had no problems whatsoever in getting said documents saved and printed, but it was the fairly unimpressed not-wanting-to-be-interrupted husband who was using said desktop, that helped seal my fate for the night. Needless to say, the unhappy inhibitor parts in my brain promptly invaded the rest of the space available up there. I all to quickly was back in my repressed, sad, emotional, crying self. I had been chatting with a friend, and abruptly and rather rudely, left the conversation. I decided to try and go to bed and see if that would help anything as I suddenly felt extremely exhausted. No dice. I laid there for a few minutes and slowly the heaving sobs racked out of my lungs down from the pit of my stomach. I got out of bed and grabbed Casey's sleeper from my drawer, hoping it would help calm me down as it sometimes does. I pressed it against my cheek and snugged it up between my face and my pillow, and the tears flowed. And flowed. My sobs were getting heavier and I felt like I had no breath left. Then the pain returned in full vengeance. The stabbing pain that sits deep in my belly was suddenly very real again and I curled up in a ball, willing the pain to subside. I wrapped my arms around my stomach trying to calm my body but it just didn't happen. Instead what I felt was the non existent burgeoning belly that should be in its place. Then Casey's image popped into my mind. He was laughing and saying 'Hi Momma', and he was running and playing in the mud puddles. Then I cried even harder. I haven't 'seen' him for nearly two weeks, or cried for him, or dreamt of him. And the waves of guilt came.. and came.. and I cried. Several hours of crying later, I finally fell asleep. I don't feel very good today either. I'm reminded of my son a lot today, and what I am missing. I am absurdly reminded that my stomach is not nearing the steering wheel while I'm driving... being in my third trimester.... feeling him kicking and jumping around... This is by far one of the lowest points in this journey... I really hope I can come out of this one.... It's a little hard though when someone asks you what your feeling and your best answer is : I feel like there is someone with 10,000 knives jabbing deep into my belly and twisting and making me feel utterly empty and torn apart to pieces... and they're laughing at you while they're doing it...

Another great workout...

It appears that I just *might* be enjoying this whole workout thing! It helps that I have friends in the same position doing the same thing. But today, was one of the best days so far! I hopped on to the elyptical for 5 minutes before my workout. That workout lasted an hour and a half!! I was so proud of myself! It's getting easier to do them too, and it's not making me feel quite as sore as it did in the beginning - that, in itself, is huge! But I find myself adding extra exercises in just because! It still feels super weird that I'm hearing myself say that I'm enjoying working out. Bizarre!!!

A bump in the road...

So I hit a bump on my weight loss road today. It didn't feel very good. I did my workout as usual, and there was no super extreme exercises, so it wasn't a super hard one or anything. But my legs were SO shaky. It was weird. I barely made it through. No sooner did I finish the cool down, I felt SO weak and like I was going to faint and thrown up. I've never had that with the workouts yet, not even with the very first and very nasty one I did. My legs wouldn't support me so I just laid down on the couch. Shortly after I was asleep. 2 hours later I wake up and walk to the bathroom and barely made it. I climbed into the shower and cranked the hot water and just sat in the tub with the water falling over me. I couldn't even stand in the shower - my legs had nothing. I felt so strange. I don't know if that's good or bad... but I just know that I didn't like it and it sure didn't feel very good. I desperately do not want this to deter me from further workouts. That's what happens every other time. I wish I had some insight. Like for example, when do you time your eating with workouts? That's the biggest question I have right now.

A great loss...

This is literally about a great loss! Since I started with my Biggest Loser Wii game, I've lost 12 lbs!!! Yay me! I'm so excited. I've had a few people ask me if I've lost weight and I would say if 3 lbs count then yes. But now, it's up to 12 lbs lost! I don't feel different, my clothes don't fit different. But I am still going to keep on. I need to get down to a healthier weight and this is helping me do just that! :) If anyone wants to know if this game works.... it works! And I'm just doing the 'light' version! Imagine if I did intense!? I think I'll pass out just thinking about it.. lol. But I'm happy!

Here we go again..

So... remember awhile back I had mentioned a friend who did not sympathize at ALL when I lost Casey, then miscarried herself soon afterwards? Well. She just told me she's pregnant. And angry. Her and her man broke up, then hooked up again for ONE NIGHT. Now she's pregnant. Great. That's awesome. Said friend never talks to me anymore unless something is wrong. So she looks me up tonight. I'm so sick of 'friends' that are there for you only when they need something. Not cool. So ... lol here's what I told her:
you know something... instead of being mad at yourself and being angry your pregnant... be happy.. I would give anything... ANYTHING to be in your situation right now.. sure the situation sucks.. but you are pregnant.. I can only wish.. tomorrow I am being referred to yet another fertility doctor.. yes i am happy for you and kinda wanna slap you all in the same breath lol.. but happy.. so be happy! you are pregnant! that's pretty special..
Oy. Yes deep down I am happy for her. Honest. Yet completely jealous! You know, before she told me she was pregnant she wanted to meet up with me cause she needed a hug and to talk. I am SO glad she did not tell me this in person. My face would have said a whole lot of things. But anyway, just had to get this off my chest lol. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm. Okay. Okay. I am.

A brighter day...

Well, after my last meltdown post, I am doing much better. After I had posted that day, a friend called me at midnight and we talked till nearly 3 am! It was one of those talks that you need to have when you are feeling incredibly sad. It was a call filled with heaving sobs, stuffed nose, and nearly muffled talk from me, but it was a great call indeed. We ended it with a prayer. My heart and my being LOVES Elsie! Elsie is a gift to me. Her and her hubby are struggling a bit right now, but it was laid upon her to be a friend to ME that night. I am so grateful for Elsie!

The next day, I did feel better. I had to be up earlier as we had a funeral that morning and my eyes were oh so puffy, and I had a headache, and I was tired. But we still went. I felt like everyone was staring at me so I asked Owen if my eyes were still puffy and he said no.... so there's still paranoia lol. The rest of this week I have been unmotivated to do much around the house, but that's okay because I have had some good girlie moments with Janessa. Yesterday we sat on the couch and just giggled. It was lovely! At scrap night on Wednesday, I was actually a part of the group; laughing, telling stories, etc. The previous week I did not say much at all and just worked on my projects, so this was a bonus. I think I surprised some people by my verbal-ness.

All in all, its been a humdinger ... yes a humdinger :) of a week! Much better. I know it probably won't last for too long, as it seldom does, but I'm basking in the moment of being *happy*. AND, I haven't cried since Monday! That's a bit of a shock to me. My eyes feel rested. Here's to looking to more humdingers! :)

Tears

So today I spent most of the day trying to get rid of a migraine. It was a very debilitating one and I could not even get out of bed. Around 4 or so, I was finally able to be mobile and do a few small things around the house. I was so looking forward to having my husband home as I was just in that 'want to be held' mood. Just makes one feel better after being sick, ya know? Well. Never happened. In fact, Owen came home from work, made himself and Janessa some supper, and then played a few games with her and then fell asleep on the couch.. by 730. Yes I am annoyed. Yes I am hurt. Yes I am mad. I just needed that snuggle time with my husband and it never came. When asked about it, it just turned into a fight. After calming down some, I said that WE need to work hard at trying to keep my moods good because whenever I get a little angry or something, my brain does not shut off. It just keeps going and bringing up all these things that I need to not be thinking about, and bringing up all my feelings about Casey, and then I just get all upset all over again... then the tears come. And come. And come. And come. Owen went to bed and I went in after a few to talk to him. I said that its not good for a person's health or relationships to go to bed angry. You don't get proper sleep and therefore your body doesn't rejuvenate itself. I also said that since I'm going to bed upset all the time, that must be why I can never get any sleep, and that must be why I'm so pissy all the time cause of the lack of sleep! Long story and much tears shorter, I told him that I am getting severely depressed and I need help. Right now. He didn't say anything. At all. For several minutes. I got up and said your silence speaks volumes right now. And I left. I have been through a troubled marriage before. I am trying so hard to make this one work. I wonder if I am trying too hard? Our marriage is not troubled... just me. I need to be seeing a counselor and I can't get in to one until the end of the month. I think I will try someone else. I can't take this anymore. I feel like I am going to lose it on someone and I do NOT want that someone to be Janessa. I wish I could just turn this off.. so badly. It's to the point where I am starting to be scared of myself. I snap all the time.... I don't like the person I am. At least I can still keep it 'all together' in public or else I'd be screwed. I just hope I can get in to this counselor right away. I just can't wait anymore. I need some release that is not on my family. It's not fair to them.