A mind-full

So I have my regular Wednesday. It's scrapbooking night with the ladies!! I so look forward to my Wednesday nights. It's a much needed time of girl talk and craftiness and eating junk food! :) I left earlier than I normally do, mostly because I am still not feeling 100% so I wanted to be home in good time and get to bed. I was SO tired by the time I got home, I crawled straight into bed... after moving Janessa back to her bed of course. So I snuggled in ready for sleep. It did not come. Instead, I laid there wide awake, my mind racing a million miles an hour of things I need to do, things I want to do, things I should do, things that scare me, things that worry me, all kinds of stuff. So I am taking some advice (yet again) from a counsellor I saw years ago. He said that if I can't sleep because there's things running through my mind, then to write them down, and see if that helps them go away. So here I am. Trying to empty my brain so I can sleep. Although this is nothing new. This happens almost nightly, but tonight I just couldn't lay there anymore and wait. Usually, I lay there and all I can think about is Casey. But lately, he hasn't been on my mind. That kinda scares me a bit. I don't want to forget about him. I know I won't, but it kinda felt strange that I didn't have him on my mind. Then I start thinking about Janessa and how silly she is. I love the stories she comes up with and how she can turn one little thought into the most grandest, funniest story she knows and how she gets animated when she's telling it to me! Her eyes get big and her arms are moving and she's nearly bouncing. I love it! Then I start thinking about how I need to be more attentive to her and do more things with her. Sometimes I don't think that I spend enough time with her. When she wants me to read her a story, I'll read it and then send her on her way. She's like, more Mommy. Yet I don't. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I need to read her that same story over and over 20 times if she wants me to. I need to stop thinking that she's 'bothering' me when she wants something like that. I really need to just veg out and take full stock of her. She is growing up sooo fast and it won't be long until she'll be in school fulltime and then I won't have these afternoon or mid morning story times with her, or the tea parties, or the random conversations that don't always make sense. It sounds strange, but I'm kind of glad that I got laid off because this gives me the extra special time with her. I absolutely LOVE staying in our jammies till after lunch together. That's fun and she thinks its super special!! Just that she thinks its that cool makes my heart get all warm and tingly. Growing up I longed for the day when I could have a little girl of my own, and I so badly wanted to have a tight bond with her. I do know that I have to work at that everyday even now when she is little. I don't want her to feel distant from me. I want us to be so close! *sigh* I told you I had a mind full didn't I?

A hopeful end to a very long week!

So this past week was a very long one. I spent 3 nights and 2 days in the hospital. The remainder of the time, I spent on my couch or in my bed. I got an infection and it totally kicked my butt! For 3 days I had a temp of 39.7! After getting a LOT of IV drugs and pain meds, and way too much hospital time, I do feel a *little* better. I will be so much happier when I am better as it made Janessa pretty scared to see me in the hospital, and I don't like that I scared her. Thank you so much to all my sweet caring friends for your kind words, gifts of flowers and chocolate, and well wishes. Let's hope that this week is way super better and that I get all my energy back and can tend to my family instead of my family attending to me!

Soooo tired..

After suffering through severe lower back pain last night, Owen took me to the hospital. They injected pain killers, and they didn't work. I was shaking so much cause I was so cold! I had a fever on top of it all. They gave me another pain killer which helped me fall asleep but I had a rough night. I was shaking from being cold, then I was sweating I was so hot... it was not fun. The more I shivered, the more my back hurt. Turns out I was severely dehydrated and have a urinary tract infection. Who knew that a urinary tract infection could cause that much pain in other areas of your body? I am so glad to be back at home but I feel still weak and dizzy. Would appreciate prayers..

A bittersweet moment...

So today is a bit of a hard day for me. My sweet baby is in playschool. I can't believe that she is nearly 4 years old! What happened to those years!? Janessa is at playschool right now, and the house is wayyyy too quiet. It's kind of eery. It's a different kind of quiet. Yes, it's quiet when she's at Grandma's or Daddy has her somewhere, but this is different. It's weird. But, I was secretly happy for her when she was practically vibrating because she was so excited to go to playschool.

My little girl is growing up wayyy too fast!!! But isn't she cute!? :)
Here is a shot of her with her teacher and a classmate. She didn't even look back at me once she realized there was lots of toys :(

Another discouraging day

I feel like I just want to be done. My body has been so.. just downright weird since we lost Casey. This week has been especially different. I don't know. It all just makes me want to be done and whatever. I think the time may be here where I need to ask God that he quell my desire for more children... I just .. I don't know how much longer I can do this.. I know some people go for like 10 years. I just don't have that kind of stamina-its already been 3 years. I am not that strong emotionally to go for that long. I think this may just be it.. as painful as that sounds and as hard and hurtful as it is to admit. It's just .. I'm done.

Another day, another tear, another day, no tears

So my counsellor told me yesterday that if I was "fine" this early, she would be concerned about me. The fact that I'm not "fine" is a good sign. Say what?! But no, I totally understand. I'm so thankful that I have Shelley. She has been super helpful for me and I'm so thankful. There are some days where I don't feel sad and cry and think about Casey, but there are a lot more when I do. And that's okay. I just need to work on the whole 'don't feel guilty for feeling happy' times.
On another note, my sweet little girl is growing up way too fast!!! She starts playschool on Monday. I KNOW I'm going to cry. I get all misty eyed just thinking about her going to playschool. I'm sure she'll absolutely love it, that I have no doubt. I'm sure I'll be a wreck at home for the first few classes.

About the bone scan..

So the bone scan has come and gone, and several people are asking me how it went. Well it went. I was already nervous and anxious about it, and the way it all went down certainly DID NOT help matters. So I got to the hospital with plenty of time to spare before my appointment so that I could grab some breaky somewhere. I had to register at 9 and my appt was at 930. On the form, it said that if you thought you were pregnant or if you were 'of child-bearing age' you had to tell the tech before hand. So within 5 minutes of being there, I told the receptionist that a pregnancy test should be done. Here is where the frustrations rose to just being downright ticked; and shaky nerves the entire time. At 903 I told them of possible pregnancy and she informed the tech right away. I was taken in to a back room at 920 and Ben explained the process of the bone scan and dye injection. I asked him if he was told of a possible pregnancy and he said yes and that he was going to order a test. At 930 I still had not heard anything and my test was supposed to have been started. Ben came back in the room at 935 and said they had to get a doctor to sign off on the form to order the preg test, but the doctor had not arrived yet. The doc finally comes at 940 and signs off and at 945 Ben calls the lab for a STAT preg test (STAT means RIGHT NOW). The lab tech does not show up until 10 and the test is done at 1002, and the tech was told to get the results STAT. The 'STAT' results did not come until 1035 which is now well over an hour past my scheduled appt time. The results showed up as negative, so I am cleared to have the dye injected and the bone scan done. I am taken in to the room at 1045 and the dye gets injected, the pics get taken, and I am told to come back later. I was plenty frustrated and so I wanted to go do a bit of shopping to try and cheer up a little. I get out to my van and find a fantastic piece of paper on my window. A $60 parking ticket. THEN I was MAD. Oy. So anyway, I was scheduled to come back at 1250 but because my scan was pushed back so long, my return time was changed to 245. She said I could arrive earlier if I wanted so that they could get me in faster. Okay. So I come back at 230 and don't get back in the room until 345, and then the second set of pics was taken. I was so tired from all of this, that I actually fell asleep during the second set of pics. The second set of pics was done by about 430 and then I was out of there. After all that, I still had my errands to run in the city, and groceries to pick up. Needless to say, I didn't get home until nearly 9 and I was soooo tired. Arg.