A turning point perhaps..

So, here I found myself telling of a small, itty bitty piece of closure. Something that makes me feel a tiny bit better about our baby being taken back. We decided to give our little one a name. So our precious little one is now our precious Casey Quinn. We had a long talk and a cry this afternoon. Trying to understand our feelings and how one feels differently than the other. During this we decided together that a name was needed. It does feel better to know I can call our baby by a name and not just 'the baby'.
So, sweet Casey, Mommy loves you and misses you more every day!

"I know how you feel..."

So said friend that told me she was pregnant.. is now not. She had a tubal pregnancy. It's sad and a bit ironic. She had been cramping and losing fist sized clots for 4 days before it took me literally yelling at her to get her batootie to the hospital. She didn't get that she could be bleeding out internally and dying as we spoke. After all of this with her, I said to my Mom that I was done being the caring friend (with this particular person) and not getting the same in return. A friend is someone who is there along side you, not one step ahead or one step behind. I'm rising above and giving her the support she never gave to me; because that's who I am. I'm not one to just shrug you off and say oh well, happy trails. Now she's begging me to come to the city to see her. Truthfully, I don't want to. All that's going to happen is talk about her loss and mine. I don't want to talk about it. When I do want to talk about it, it will be and is with someone who generally cares and won't think I'm a sissy for crying all the time. I'm trying really hard not to be bitter. So far so good.

Home at last..

It has been an interestingly long, painful, stressful week. Was at my parent's place this past week so that Janessa could attend a VBS out there. Well last weekend two of Mom's kids got sick. By Monday my sis was sick too, and all week, there have been multiple trips to the hospital at all hours, there have been puking kids, fevering kids, CRYING kids, screaming kids, GRUMPY kids. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! Seriously! And to top it all off, the new kid Mom has cries. A lot. He cries when he's eating. He cries when he's playing. He cries when he's outside. He cries when he's inside. He. Cries. All. The. Time. OY. Even my lil sis couldn't take it anymore. I almost packed up in 5 seconds and left yesterday.. I had just had enough. All of this added blech-ness, didn't help when I was having my own issues. I tried to retreat. I tend to find solitude out at my parents place. They live in a river valley with creeks flowing throughout the farm, etc. Last night I just felt numb and sad.. and tired.. and I just needed to walk. So I walked to the creek. The longest walk of my life it seemed. I was able to crawl down and sit on a rock and put my feet in the (very cold) water. I just sat there and watched the water flow and listened to it bubbling. It somehow is therapeutic for me. I was there for over an hour and it only seemed like 5 minutes. I just love that spot. Sitting there last night, the water seemed to wash away the crying, screaming, cranky kids and the pissyness I felt towards them. I was supposed to be there until Monday, but I needed to go. I missed my husband a lot. Nobody can give me that same hug that melts all my worries away. Nobody can hold me just right to help me sleep when I can't stop crying. Nobody's "I love you" sounds as wonderful, although Janessa's is pretty darn close. Yep, there's just nobody quite like my husband. The 3 hour drive today felt particularly long. I just wanted Owen. I needed that special hug. I don't even care too much that there's dishes on the counter or that the house is messy, we're just home. There's time for that later. Right now I'm just happy to be back home. Yes, the tears come just the same. But at least I'm not crying in secret, and at least we can cry together.

New tattoo??

*August 19, 2010*
I'm feeling a bit numb today. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm a little worried and scared too. I got called in for a bone scan on the 30th in Regina. Not sure why that affects me so much. It's just an xray with dye in me. I'm worried about the dye. I've never had that done before. I hope Owen will come with me. I think hearing about this test is making me feel a bit numb as it was unexpected news.
Last night I was watching LA Ink. A guy came in to get a tattoo for a baby that was lost. Coincidentally, the tattoo artist had also been through the same thing in his own life. Hearing them - GUYS - tell of their experience, sharing their pain, and how hard it was for them, gives me some odd reassurance. I was thinking, not just during the show but a bit before it as well, I could maybe do a tattoo for our baby. Maybe some footprints or a butterfly or dragonfly? Not sure yet. Its a thought process.
I'm just tired of feeling empty. I need to be happy for Janessa but I feel so sad. I told my Mom the other night that I was jealous FOR Janessa. She said why. I said it was because her sibling got to meet their Great Grandma's first. *sigh* That may sound weird to some, but it's my reality these days. I don't think I cried today.. yet.

Grieving Journey?

*Aug 17/2010*
So I met with Doug today. Wanted to get his/their take on the whole miscarriage thing. I need help processing this and I'm trying to find someone who has been through it and is also a Christian. Doug & Ingrid have been through it and they are Christians-they lost a baby at 8 weeks. I lost ours at 2. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know how to effectively manage this and all the pain I have inside. All I know what and how to do is cry. I can't sleep and when I do its very restless and fitful. I need help - I am not asking anyone to 'fix' it - I just need some help in coping and grieving and just dealing with all of this. It's very trying. I hate that I'm a wreck most of the time. But I try SO hard to not let Janessa see me cry. I don't want to scare her. I just... I don't know -if I could stop crying long enough to figure it out? Maybe...

All I need is .. time..

So this is going to be one of those blurry visioned, tear filled blogs. That being said, said friend is mad at me. She is saying that I am not happy for her and now she's mad at me. She knows what has been going on lately. She KNOWS I just lost a baby. I need to be able to grieve and not feel guilty for grieving. I need to be sad and not feel guilty for being sad. I honestly am happy for her. Honest. But I wish she wasn't mad at me for being envious of her. I'm just.. sad. Sad for our family, sad for my baby, sad that a friend doesn't understand....

Preggers Envy

So.. a dear friend of mine told me today that she is pregnant. Her and her boyfriend were taking every precaution not to get pregnant and here she finds herself just so. They are happy and excited, as are her parents. Deep down I am too. Deep down I am also sad. Deep down I am also envious. In the midst of her telling me she asked me if I was mad at her, and I said no. Cause I'm not. She said also that she was worried that I would be disappointed. She knows about Baby K and this was her reason for being apprehensive to tell me. I totally understand. Honestly, I am happy for her. I am. I just... I'm trying so hard not to be sad. I'm trying really, REALLY hard. I know she will be a fantastic Mother, no doubt about it. She's an amazing gal. Miss Rose.. I love you and I'm so happy for you! I REALLY am. You have been given an amazing blessing!