A hum drum..

So I've been in a bit of a slump lately. I'm not sure why. PROBABLY is because I have not been sleeping lately. For those who say sleep is overrated, they are wrong. Maybe its because I haven't been to see Shelley (my counselor) in awhile. See, I WANT to see her, but I can't. She switched jobs and has three months to decide if she's keeping it or coming back. I know that I need it, but at the same time, I am not up to going to a new one. I hate having to rehash specific things in my past that made me who I am and brought me to this point. I didn't have to with Shelley.. she just simply read my file and was up to speed. *SIGH* I don't know. Maybe once I start my holiday spree of decorating and being in my zone that things will change. I hope so. I'm sick of feeling empty. Yes there are good days, but it seems the bad days are over taking the good so that my mind is just clouded. I'm a good hider. Which also means that I am TERRIFIED that if I didn't act like things were good that I would scare a few people. But that's me. That's from my past. Just hide things and not let anyone know that anything is wrong. I'm sooo SICK of crying all the time. Seriously who knew that there were never ending tears?! I wish I could just curl up and cry with my husband, but right now that's not such a great idea. I'm trying to hide a bit of this from him at the moment because his blood pressure is really high. I'm trying to calm him down. He's finally going to the doctor today to get it checked after me harrassing him to go for about a month. Anyway. It seems if I busy myself with something its not so bad, but there's only so much one can do, and its not always the stuff that needs to be done. Someone suggested to me the other day that maybe my 'humdrum' is because I'm getting 'older' and 'approaching the 30 mark'. Well, people, I won't be 30 for a WHOLE YEAR yet, but that has nothing to do with it. It's just another year. And anyway, I can say I'm 29 for a whole year and be lying about it! *sigh* Enough for now... I can't sit here and type all day.. not productive... not conducive.... not entirely healthy either.. In one way I guess!?..