A long awaited update?....

Well, well, well.... Life has finally settled down a bit and I have been able to establish a sense of normality for Janessa and I, so I thought I should update my friends who I don't get to chat with much, and they look for me here. :)

Okay, we moved into a 3 bedroom house in Kipling on May 18th. Janessa was able to finish out playschool and PreK there and I had time to look for a better place for us to live. I desperately wanted to get us out of Kipling and all the eyes, spies and rumors that were there.

We were fortunate enough to get into a two bedroom, three level townhouse in Estevan and moved in there June 17th and its been soooooo much better!!! We love our new place and we've been having fun redecorating it together and making it really our own. I am soooo much happier living here. Janessa is happier as she sees her Mom happier!! Our relationship has gotten much better since we moved out to Estevan and that feels soooo good!! The one day we actually were giggling so hard we both had to change clothes.. lol..

Janessa is doing so good with her new babysitter!! I'm so fortunate to have such a great friend who is helping me out and takes such great care of my little girl for me! Janessa thinks its pretty neat though that the babysitters daughter has the same name as her cousin, haha. Silly girl.

I've been adjusting well. I have been job hunting like crazy and some weeks I had nearly 10 interviews. I got offered a part time job on the spot at Sobey's but it was not what I wanted, and the whole thing just sucked, and it was not enough money to be able to provide for Janessa and I. Like really, 2 days a week? I don't think so. So anyway I kept applying at places and having interviews, and then I landed the job that I really, really, REALLY wanted!! I am now employed full time at a law firm as a receptionist/secretary/assistant! I have one week down and so far so good. A LOT to remember and all that jazz, but its good!! The people I work with are so easy going and great people to be around with in general, so that definitely makes it easier. And things on the **** front are very well and I am very happy! :)

So yeah, that's the update in a nutshell. It just feels so good to feel so good! :) lol

A new way of life.....

Well, its been awhile since I have posted anything here. It has been a very long, emotional, exhausting, dabilitating, refreshing, restful few weeks; if that's even possible to have that many emotions all in the same thought. I'll have to point form it so that it all comes out, lol.

-I quit taking the Prozac because it messed with me in a bad way. In exchange, I was put on Effexor and that has been a HUGE benefit for me! My doctor told me that if I start getting hot flashes, it would be my indicator that it is working. Well, by day 3, I was hot flashing something fierce!! Some days its almost too much! BUT, I just sluff it off because its a small price to pay to have my life back! I've been feeling SO good and way more like myself since I got put on this new medication! Yahoo!!

-I've been able to fondly think of Casey now, instead of hysterically and sadly thinking about him. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have been able to work out and process them a bit, and I feel so much better. That doesn't mean that I am done working on effectively managing my grief and my sadness, but it means that I am able to try more now that I am getting better. I still think of him and miss him a lot, but I love him so much more and am able to not think negatively every time he comes to mind. I feel like I can effectively talk about him with Janessa and that she would understand.

-My counselling has been going very well. My mind has become so clear even though there is still stuff bogged up inside of there. I've been able to think through things in the moment and have been able to handle things better than I would have otherwise. It's almost surreal! I feel so much better than I did a few months ago!! You know when you have done something and you've done it well and you sit back and smile and a contented sigh comes out? That's me! :) It's actually hard to put into words how different I am from what/who I was just 3 months ago. It's bizarre, but a good bizarre. I haven't felt that constant panic in awhile and I love that it is gone!

-This brings me to my home life. It is in a pretty big upheaval at the moment, yet I'm oddly calm about it. Basically, things in my marriage came to a boiling point and it boiled over. It is over. This may sound harsh/curt, but in all honesty, I'm not that upset about it. Sparing details that don't need to be shared, I feel a deep sense of relief that it has finally boiled over. I know that probably sounds really bad, but its the truth. I haven't felt this good about that in a very long time. I feel SO relaxed. There is only one thing weighing on me in this aspect, and that is my precious little girl. Janessa is a smart little girl, and she knows what is going on. Due to what was happening, the end needed to come if not for anyone else than her. She means far more to me than anything and she is and always will be my sole concern. A custody arrangement has been reached, and took effect yesterday. I tell you yesterday was a very, very, very, very, very, very hard day for me. I was literally sick. I have not seen my little girl since Friday afternoon, and won't until Thursday morning. As much as I try and tell myself that she is okay, it is still VERY, VERY hard. But when I see her again, it will be so awesome!!!

-Lastly, I am still trying to secure a place to live. I was supposed to hear word of a place on Friday, but that has now been postponed until Tuesday! Staying in a hotel sucks!! Especially when you're by yourself. I can only crash with family for so long before everyone needs a break. But for now, here is where I sit.

My new normal: single Mom to the most beautiful 4 year old I know and being the best Mother to her that I can be!

I love you Janessa!

A heavy heart for such a little girl...

So, after some support and persuasion from a friend, I sat down with my little girl for a chit chat. We were snuggled up on my bed and we were looking into each other's eyes. I said, "You know that Mommy loves you very much, right?" and she said yes and gave me a big kiss. Then I said, "When Mommy and Daddy fight it's not your fault. It's Mommy & Daddy's fault." She looked at me with very big, sad eyes and said, "It's not MY fault?" and I said, "No sweetheart, its not your fault, and Mommy is sorry." *tear*

about a boy...

I'm feeling rather sad tonight.... just found out that my cousin had her baby. Our due dates were the same, both approaching next week. I thought I was doing okay with that day coming up and all, but that changed when I found out she had her baby. And a boy. I'm trying really really hard to clear my mind. I don't want to have yet another crying filled night. Its hard not to just feel... sad....

A wild ride... to say the least..

Well, I have not blogged anything for quite awhile now. Truthfully, I haven't much felt like it. It felt like too much work. It's been a wild, crazy, emotional, WHACKED OUT past couple of weeks. The Prozac, which I thought to be helping, might not have been as helpful as I thought. I was going progressively further down and one day forgot (honestly) to take my meds (of any kind). That was one of the best days I've had in awhile! After talking with a friend on the situation, I am seeing how I am doing not being on the Prozac. So far so good, mood wise I mean. *knock on wood* But I am seeing my doc this coming week and we will see how that goes and what the next course will be.

The other things are not going nearly as 'good'. Things in the **** department are going very very well. Loving that! But things on the **** front are crumbling at a rather rapid pace. Lots of things on my mind, lots to think about and contemplate the moves, things to analyze and be rational about.... in any case, the current situation just WILL NOT do. It seems there is only one way to fix it right now... but we'll see. No wiggle room is left. No amount of finessing will work. It is what it is. As much as it will suck, it WILL get better. When? I have no idea... I'm just choosing to believe that somehow, someway it will get better... Wow... is this me actually being optimistic!? Shock...

Grrrrrr....

So... Prozac. It's something that agrees with me. It's something that works for me. I wrestle a bit with wondering if its just masking what I'm feeling? In no way does taking the Prozac mean I'm instantly better, but I do feel better some days. Right now, not so much. I'm having a rough morning. Partly because I'm REALLY tired. REALLY, REALLY tired. It doesn't help that Owen comes home and plays 20 questions. Seriously, badgering me with what's wrong, etc., does not help in any way, shape or form.

Part of my frustration today is with a friend. We talk all the time, about a lot of things, and haven't heard from them in nearly two weeks! Won't respond to texts either! Seriously, if you don't want to talk to me, have the decency to tell me. It makes you wonder when you go from talking nearly every day to not at all, ya know?

Another part of my frustration today is all blamed on the weather!!!! With this dump of snow we got, the roads are absolutely ridiculous, which means.... I have to reschedule my fertility specialist appointment that was to be tomorrow afternoon in Saskatoon! * sigh * I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this, and now that it's within arms reach, I can't do it. Grrrrrr....

I think I just need a vacation from my life, lol. Make sense? There's just everything all at once, and I need some downtime where people don't need me, I don't need to do anything, I don't need to be anywhere, and I can just sit on my duff and do some intense vegging, and watch my fave movies over and over again, sleep and sleep some more, and just relax!

Looking for a 'rainbow'...

So... about our trip. We did okay with being away from Janessa. Owen was having a harder time with it then I was, partially because she didn't want to talk to him when we had her on the phone, or she was already sleeping when we were talking to whoever was looking after her. By the 4th night, she was asking to go home so I just told my Mom to keep her busy so she wouldn't think about it. It worked!

Overall, I give our trip a 7 out of 10. I must admit that I was rather annoyed with Owen. When we were arriving in Canmore, we were supposed to meet up with someone to get some information about some things that we were going to be doing. Well that 'get info and go' took well over an hour and they started 'shooting the breeze' about business. Okay, seriously!? We had just gotten out of a 7 hour car ride and they were sitting there talking about cars!? All I wanted to do was get to our hotel and crawl into my comfy clothes and relax and try not to think about anything. Once back in the car I told Owen that I was not overly impressed that he was doing business on our trip. He wasn't happy with me for saying that.

For most of this trip, I was in a funk. My doctor had prescribed the pills for me and after researching the generic name, discovered that I am on Prozac. Well, I have no idea how long it takes for things like this to kick in, but I was hoping it was quick. Not quick enough. I was not a nice person for over half our trip. Anything that could annoy me in the tiniest way, did. We had arrived there Friday afternoon, and I was rather miserable for most of it until Sunday morning. I felt like I had an exposed nerve and everything was grating on it.

Anyway, so Friday night I was so tired and did NOT feel like going out even though it was our Anniversary that day. So, we ordered in pizza and wings, watched tv and then I tried to relax my overly tense self in the jacuzzi. Before long I was sleeping. Not too eventful. Saturday morning, I was feeling sooo tired. Then I spent the next few hours being a bit more annoyed with my husband. He had a BUSINESS lunch meeting. * sigh * After lunch, we decided to head into Banff, since it's like a 10 minute drive away. I wanted to go, but didn't at the same time. So we get to Banff and yes, its a beautiful place, but its SO overcrowded with touristy people and the like. Personally, I like Canmore better. Anyway, we couldn't do the hotsprings for fertility reasons, but we had researched the gondola rides and decided to do that. WELL. I had a meltdown in the gondola on the way up! Kind of embarrassing. I just felt like we were going to fall and every bump was freaking me out. I was nearly hyperventilating. So we get to the top and I calm down; Owen wanted to do some shopping at the top, I wasn't interested. I was feeling tired and emotionally exhausted and just wanted to go back down. So we went back down and I was fine on the way down. We then went to check out the sleigh rides, but the people running it weren't doing a very good job and wouldn't even talk to us, and we had no clue when the run times or the cost were, so we left. Decided to just head back to Canmore instead, then we went out for supper. It would have been a much more enjoyable meal if the table next to us would have quit giving us glares for 'only having 2 people in a booth'. Well, good gracious, get over it! Sunday morning, I was feeling quite a bit better, but still very tired. But we had to be at our next scheduled thing at 9 am!! We were scheduled to be going on a dog sled tour in the mountains. That was the most fun I'd had on the trip so far. The 2 hour trip felt like half an hour! But it was fun and I really enjoyed it! That night for supper we went to a place that had been recommended to us by a friend. Boy were they right! Excellent food and atmosphere, and service was impeccable!! If you are ever in Canmore, go to Murrieta's. SO worth it!

The next morning, I still did not get to sleep in!! I was booked into hair and makeup for 9 am! That day was the day that we were having our wedding photos redone. I must say, that this part of the trip was my most favorite and where I was most like my old happy self. Our photographer was amazing and we just had the best time, even though it was pretty windy and I was the only one showing skin, lol. I cannot wait to see the pictures that she's done for us.

I guess my disappointment with the trip comes from my own self, and blamed on my own self. We really need to be getting reconnected as a couple, and I was SURE this trip would totally be so awesome and we'd reconnect and be totally in love all over again. I kind of ruined all of that. My attitude was crappy. Maybe I was expecting too much and/or trying to hard?! I HAVE been getting more sleep since we got back. Not sure where its coming from. It could be the meds kicking in and doing their job. I sure hope so. I need to be back to my old self. The self that finds joy in the smallest, most simplest things.

Janessa drew me a picture of a rainbow before we left, and I took it with me. It reminded me that 'somewhere over the rainbow' things will be better and that there is always a rainbow after a storm. I'm looking forward to seeing MY 'rainbow'.