Preggers Envy

So.. a dear friend of mine told me today that she is pregnant. Her and her boyfriend were taking every precaution not to get pregnant and here she finds herself just so. They are happy and excited, as are her parents. Deep down I am too. Deep down I am also sad. Deep down I am also envious. In the midst of her telling me she asked me if I was mad at her, and I said no. Cause I'm not. She said also that she was worried that I would be disappointed. She knows about Baby K and this was her reason for being apprehensive to tell me. I totally understand. Honestly, I am happy for her. I am. I just... I'm trying so hard not to be sad. I'm trying really, REALLY hard. I know she will be a fantastic Mother, no doubt about it. She's an amazing gal. Miss Rose.. I love you and I'm so happy for you! I REALLY am. You have been given an amazing blessing!

Sttiillllll sick

Well, its been almost a week since I got the flu. It's still having its way with me and I'm so annoyed. Yesterday was one of the better days where I didn't feel nauseous all day. I ate sort of decently too. Not feeling well enough to attend Church today. Every time I get in a vehicle it gets worse. I'm really really hoping this ends very very soon!!!

Sweet Baby K

Well, little one, you left us a week ago. We didn't even know about you until you were back in Heaven already. I am so sad that you didn't get to stay with us, but we will see you someday again. We miss you and love you to pieces!

Mommy, Daddy and your bis sissy Janessa

Sickness abounds

So, I haven't written on here in forever and I'm really hoping to change that. I'll also try not to be so darn depressing either lol.
So. We are on holidays. Yet here I sit writing from home. Boo on sickness!! We were almost halfway through our holidays, when I got scalded on my face from Mano's Restaurant, and then was puking all night that night, Janessa did a few times as well... we just decided it would be best to go home and get better. So here I am the next day (at home) and we wake up to Janessa's eyes all goopy. turns out she has pinkeye. Oy. We were thinking that if we were feeling better we would still go to Saskatoon and do our visiting there, but now we're not. Janessa is to not be around other kids for 4-5 days, so that puts the kibosh on things. This is God's way of telling us to stay home and just be the three of us.
I do ask for another prayer too... that God would ease my heart as I mourn for our baby in heaven....

What a New Year this is turning out to be....

Well, I've managed to screw things up yet again. I really wish I could control my anger and things like this wouldn't keep happening. I need to go to sleep and not wake up for like a week so that I get all the sleep that I seem to not be getting.. thus making me super irritable and not likeable, and just plain ol grumpy. So here I sit about to ring in the new year... grumpy.. eyes cried out.. and alone. All I wanted to do was hang out with my husband, play a little Wii.. eat some food and cozy up in bed after midnight. Well, no Wii was played.. no food was eaten.. and hubby's in bed... not me. It's officially after midnight now and I'm just sitting here crying. My 'happy' new year does not seem so happy after all. I am really,really desperately hoping that 2010 will bring with it much more happiness than I've been feeling lately. If not, it's going to be one looonnnggg year - and one that won't be so happy....

Feelin sludgy..

I am trying so hard to get out of my sludge.. it's Christmas. I am finding it hard this year to get all wrapped up in 'my Christmas'. I have my tree up, decorations up, cookies baked and packaged for friends, gifts ready to give, but I am just .. not feelin it. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm trying to dig deeper into various things right now, and one of them being the real reason for Christmas. I just... am finding it hard right now to find happiness or joy in anything. I need to get rid of the sludge that I feel like. You know the scum you see floating on a pond? See it? Right there. Got it? It's me.

Dummy of the Day Award goes to me...

Sometimes I can be such a freakin idiot. Today is definitely that day. I hate it when I do something that is so utterly stupid and ends up making me look like the biggest idiot on the planet. I'm definitely in that moment. At this moment, I can't even find joy and I'm looking HARD for it. I feel like just crawling into bed and shutting out everyone and everything around me and on this entire planet. On the plus side, when I'm this angry, my house gets clean pretty fast... joyful... nope.. hopeful.. nope.. incredibly sad.. yep... crying uncontrollably alongside sadness... check.